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'Easy' One Crust Cherry Pie

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Choosing a favourite fruit rather feels like choosing a favourite child - is it the first bite of a crisp russet in October; a juicy Clementine at Christmas; a slice of watermelon on a summer's afternoon or a pale pink stalk of rhubarb brightening the late winter gloom? While my mind changes as quickly as the seasons, if push were really to come to shove, I think it would have to be the English cherry. The fact that they are still only available during the late summer makes them taste even sweeter for those few blissful weeks where I’m never far from a brown paper bag full of the little red fruit.

One dark moment came a few years ago when, after preparing dinner, I sat down to greedily munch my way through a pound or two. On eating the first few, my lips began to tingle and burn - immediately I thought of my mother who, at about the same age as I then was, had developed an allergy to cherries whilst eating them on a picnic in France. Suddenly, a grim stone fruit free future loomed, at least until I pieced together the evidence and realised the unpleasant burning sensation was related to the fact I had been previously chopping fresh chillies, and, thankfully, had nothing to do with the cherries at all.

I have always studiously avoided using fresh cherries in recipes; primarily because there just perfect eaten as they are, but also because of the lack of a cherry pitter in my life. This summer, having bought a crate of local cherries large enough that even I had trouble finishing them, I decided to finally make the leap and buy one to make Delia Smiths one crust fruit pie, from her peerless Summer Collection.

Suffice to say, the pitter lasted about four minutes - just the time it took to realise the time spent saved pitting the cherries would be spent wiping spurts of cherry juice from the walls/floors/cupboards/my eyes...

Eagle-eyed readers may have also noticed the quote marks around the ‘easy’ in the title of this blog; if the cherry pitter wasn't enught of a pitfall, I still had to make the pastry. While I set out to attempt it in a bullish frame of mind, reasoning if Delia said it was simple then surely it must be, my first effort ended up crumbling onto the floor, into the cat’s bowl, on the bottom of my shoes and, finally, into the bin. The situation, as now seems customary with anything involving pastry making in our house, quickly descended into a row, with the Ewing’s attempts to help lift the dough onto the baking sheet also ending in an unmitigated disaster.

With the Ewing safely upstairs sulking, I persevered with a second batch, this time using the trusty food processor rather than by hand. While this second attempt had the opposite problem of being rather too wet, as opposed to resembling sand, it was, thankfully, far easier to roll out.

After the bitter and bloody battle that proceeded it, the pie turned out to be a hard won success. Especially when served served warm, in thick slices with plenty of vanilla ice cream.

One Crust Cherry Pie with Hazelnut Pastry
Adapted from Delia's Summer Collection

For the filling
700 g pitted cherries
40g caster sugar
2 tbsp semolina/polenta
1 egg yolk
For the glaze
1 egg white
For the shortcrust pastry:
175 g plain flour
50g ground hazelnuts
80 g butter 
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon

Make up the pastry by sifting the flour into a large mixing bowl, then rubbing the fats into it lightly with your fingertips.
When the mixture reaches the crumb stage, sprinkle in enough cold water to bring it together to a smooth dough that leaves the bowl absolutely clean. 
Give it a little light knead to bring it fully together, then place the pastry in a polythene bag in the fridge for 30 minutes. 
Pre-heat the oven to gas mark 6, 400°F (200°C). 
Then roll the pastry out on a flat surface to a round of approximately 35 cm as you roll, ragged edges are fine.
Carefully roll the pastry round the rolling pin and transfer it to the centre of the lightly greased baking sheet.
To prevent the pastry getting soggy from any excess juice, paint the base with egg yolk, then sprinkle the semolina lightly over to soak up the juices from the fruit.
No turn in the edges of the pastry: if any breaks, just patch it back on again.
Brush the pastry surface all round with the beaten egg white .
Place highest shelf of the oven and bake for approximately 35 minutes or until the crust is golden brown. 



Lenos & Carbon, Elephant and Castle

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Columbia has featured quite prominently in the news recently - well, certainly if you've paid any interest to the small soccerball tournament that's just finished in Brazil. Firstly there was the 20 year anniversary of the tragic killing of Andrés Escobar, followed by the far happier memories of James Roderigez netting the Golden Boot, with one spectacular effort being voted the goal of the tournament

It also so happens that Elephant and Castle, my usual weekend stomping ground, has the highest Colombian population in London; which is still pretty much apropos of nothing if you happen to be Stealth. Not only does she have a less than cursory interest in football, recently announcing 'the Match of the Day theme tune makes me feel sick', but she's still barely even registered the Latin spirit of the area. Pretty hard to miss, especially on a Saturday when the thick cloud of smoke from the chorizo sausages being grilled on split oil drums, alongside a loud Latin soundtrack and huge swathes of bunting, bursts out from under the railway arches.

Despite her startling lack of observation skills she is nothing if not up for trying something new, which is how we found ourselves on a deserted Rockingham street, just off the main E&C roundabout, on a muggy Monday afternoon.

As well as a fridge crammed full of sugary soft drinks such as the lurid Inca Kola and icy lager, they have a range of homemade fruit smoothies.  The South Americas are known for their huge range of native fruits that are seldom seen on this side of the Atlantic, and here you can chose from flavours including naranjillo and soursop, or the more familiar blackberry and mango. 

I tried the passion fruit flavour,  up there with the best beverages I have imbibed this year. Perhaps a bold claim for something containing not a drop of alcohol, although the #peckhampunch I had been knocking back at a party the previous Saturday ran it close (and contributed to the factor I still wasn't back drinking alcohol several days later...). 

To eat I chose the Bandeja Paisa (literally translated as platter from the Paisa region, found in the northweat of the country and home to the Colombian Coffee-Growers Axis), the national dish of Columbia that's known for it's generous portion size and for the variety of different delights all found on one plate.

In fact, I found it rather like an English fry up for coffee growers (stay with me here) being as it contained beans, sausage, fried bread and eggs and a slice of pork belly that could be, if you really squinted, mistaken for a extra thick rasher of streaky. Granted, white rice, plantain, ground beef and avocado don't often feature at your usual greasy spoon, and an arepa is pretty far removed from a fried slice, but I found this pick'n'mix of meat and carbs equally effective at hangover busting.

The slow stewed beans, studded with salty porky bits, were a particular highlight, alongside the grilled meats that were rich with salt, garlic and smoke from the grill. And while I rued the fact the Ewing, a confirmed plantain aficionado, wasn't here to try some of this vast specimen, it did leave all the more for me. To mop it all up the arepa, a ground maize flat bread cooked on the griddle, was interesting, but possibly a taste I haven't yet fully acquired.

Another handy thing about eating with Stealth is the delegation of ordering, meaning I can essentially chose two dinners (although the flipside to this being half my food usually gets swiped from across the table).

The Patacon con Todo I chose for her was another mix'n' match affair, this time based around patacones, or deep fried green plantains, that are flattened to resemble a corn tortilla. The plantain base is then served 'con todo', or with everything. In this case heaped with a variety of meats - shredded beef and chicken and fried cubes of crispy pork belly - shredded cheese, pineapple sauce, garlic sauce and guacamole.

On its arrival, Stealth marvelled at the appearance of her dinner - announcing excitedly 'I've never seen anything like this before'.  Thankfully, this turned out to be a good thing. And while it may not be much of a looker, each component managed to be distinctively delicious when eaten alone as well as in tandem with anything else on the plate (or mine, for that matter). 

Brevas con Quso y Arequipe, figs cooked in syrup served with caramel and white cheese, were frustratingly beyond either of our appetites, not a real surprise considering the portion sizes. Hopefully I'll be back soon enough to sample this intriguing sounding, diabetic coma of a desert, but on this trip a pleasingly full stomach and a vanquished hangover would have to suffice. 

(NB, in the absence of pictures of Stealth enjoying her aforementioned feast, here is one of her demonstrating her latest trick. That's magic.) 

Fox and Hounds, Christmas Common

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Like Orwell, I frequently muse about what makes a pub perfect - as can be seen in my previous ramblings on the Royal Standard of England in Knotty Green, having recently enjoyed another lovely lunch there with my sister. If you haven't read Orwell's essay, The Moon Under Water, you probably should. Suffice to say after you've finished reading this.

I imagine the Fox and Hounds would be an Orwell kind of pub. For a start the setting, hidden on the Oxfordshire/Buckinghamshire border, is impossibly picture postcard pretty. As is the pub itself, a handsome building covered in rambling greenery and dating back to 1643. Inside is a cosy front bar with inglenook fireplace, and a larger open plan dining area. It's proved a pretty versatile space through the years, the 2010 election even saw it used as a local polling station, but the main draw on such a glorious day was the chocolate box garden at the front.

Shaded picnic sets, a pile of dog bowls piled by an outside tap and a perfectly manicured herb patch - where the sous chef appeared intermittently to collect fresh sprigs of rosemary - make this a perfect spot to while away an afternoon. Like mad dogs and Englishmen, we braved the glare of the full midday sun, unable to predict quite how long this fleeting good weather may last.

To slake my thirst was a glimmering pint of Breakspear's Oxford Gold. Is there anything better on a summer's day in a sunny pub garden than a classic cask beer? I've yet to find it. A quintessentially English drop and a well kept example of this eminently quaffable golden ale

I  could tell the burger- glazed with a thick slice of Stilton that properly melted over the top - was going to be good when I held it aloft and a stream of juicy goodness spurted down my sleeve (steady).
The patty itself was hefty, and grilled perfectly to retain its pink and juicy centre, although I did have to ditch most the salad inside as the rather weedy bun struggled to contain its ample cargo.

The Ewing, attempting her first solid meal post-abscess trauma, went for the lasagne and salad -spookily mirroring my first meal post-abscess trauma, eaten on an American Airlines flight somewhere above the Atlantic with plastic cutlery and a grimace. Thankfully this was much nicer.

While baked pasta may not illicit too many oohs and ahhs this was classic pub grub; tasty, generous and well made. I could tell it was going down well as every crispy crust of garlic bread and crunchy mouthful of salad was greedily braved by the patient, and all assistance offered with my hovering fork in hand being firmly rebuked.

We finished off with a post-prandial walk around the rolling countryside, that lead - unsurprisingly, even with a map in hand - to us becoming hopelessly lost. Thankfully the feeling of good cheer from our lunch remained, despite the attempts of a fearsome pack of horseflies tried their hardest to drain every drop of blood from me, and we managed to retrace our steps without descending in to either stony silence or noisy admonishing.

Of course as you get older you realise setting any sort of arbitrary rules about what makes anything great - pubs or otherwise - often leads to anembarrassing loss of face when you change your mind, or, much worse, stubbornly missing out on things. But, as so very often, I think George was right;

'If anyone knows of a pub that has draught stout, open fires, cheap meals, a garden, motherly barmaids and no radio, I should be glad to hear of it.' Well, the Fox and Hounds may just be the one.

Love and War, London Style

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One of the many things I love about being English is the juxtaposition. Take our famed obsession with the changeable climate. I don't suppose many people in Oman or Quito or Corfu greet their colleagues with a detailed meteorological breakdown of the probability of rain between now and lunchtime. Don't like the weather? Wait five minutes.

It's the same reason I remain so entranced by London; the great melting pot where a five minute walk that might take you through grimy estates, sprawling parks, cobbled mews and fancy high rises. And couple of weeks ago I got to see it in its full, fickle glory; from conception to death in one short afternoon (obviously not literally, for a start I'm pretty sure we still have obscenity laws although it's sometimes hard to tell walking through an aforementioned park in the summer...). 

Fear not though, if you thought I was about to get all serious on you, there was plenty ice cream and beer involved in my adventures, too.

The day started off in one of my favourite places in the world, the Southbank (it actually started in my office, but that's far from one of my favourite places, although it does have the benefits of aircon). Despite the noise and the crowds and, on occasion, the shameless tourist-focused cynicism, the sight of a Waterloo sunset or walking over the Thames and seeing to the London Eye on one bank and the Houses of Parliament on the other never gets old.

On this particular afternoon I had two goals; to secure myself a lobster roll at the Festival of Love before a preview visit to the reopening of the Imperial War Museum. And while it did seem rather sad, in both senses, to be going to the Festival of Love solo, I reminded my self of Woody Allen's famous words onanism, and reasoned I'd also save myself the expense if having to spring for lunch for the Ewing as well. 

Bob's Lobster van found - look for the VW splitty with the retractable roof under the Hungerford Bridge - and lobster ordered, I snagged a deckchair tucked in the shade behind the van and kicked things off with a (not quite cold enough) can of lager while waiting for my roll to be toasted and assembled to order.

While they also peddle prosecco on tap, beer was the ideal choice with the mercury still steadily rising, and a Hobo fitted the bill perfectly with its easy going honey and hay aroma and gentle carbonation (read: it was fizzy and alcoholic, it hit the spot).

A few minutes later and I was acquainted with the main man; a buttery brioche roll, toasted and stuffed with copious amounts of lobster meat and finished with a sprinkling of secret herbs and spices.

It was a triumph, quite one of the best things I have crammed in my mouth recently (and there's been a few...). The lobster was poached gently to stay soft and buttery, the brioche superlative - I'm still imagining what it would be like heaped full of crispy smoked bacon - and the secret spiced stuff on top pleasingly Old Bay-ish without being overpowering.

Yes it wasn't cheap - 14 bucks and without even a pickle spear or a few crisps on the side - but it was beautiful. I was already in love.

Bob's Lobster on Urbanspoon

Next up was a wonder around the Festival of Love, which is celebrating the Same Sex Couple Act  with a programme of free events based around the seven different types of love. Differently-themed weekends, performances, poetry, talks and pop-ups including the Bloody Oyster double decker bus and the Look Mum No Handss cafe, jostle for space along the river. 

I particularly enjoyed walking through the Temple of Agape a 'celebrating the power of love over hate', and walking through the Museum of Broken Relationships, for when love goes bad. on the weekend 30-31st August you can even particpate in the Big Wedding Weekend where all couples, gay or straight, young or old, are invited to marry or renew their vows on the stage of the iconic Royal Festival Hall. Nothing like a good old mass matrimonial knees up.

To finish, a visit to the Snog bus was due. Gargantuan crowds - unsurprising, given the heat - moved pretty swiftly and soon I was in possession of my medium Snog, original vanilla flavorful, served with passion fruit, raspberries and, lest it should seem too healthy, crumbed chocolate brownie chunks.

I eschewed sitting on the top deck in favour of enjoy my snog under Waterloo bridge. Not quite as racy as it sounds, although a tub of fro-yo, brownies and berries is probably about as exciting as you could hope for  while still fully clothed (despite the fearsome heat I didn't want to scare the horses...) on a weekday lunchtime.

I've got a soft spot for frozen yoghurt, and this went down a treat in the heat. I especially liked the lip-puckering combo of classic fro-yo mixed with zingy passion fruit - which I convinced myself was contributing towards my five-a-day - and with an added dollop of protein and calcium for good measure.  For traditionalists, or those not wanting to part with the best part of a fiver for a tub there are classic Mr Whippys and orange lollies available from a several ice cream vans along the way.

Snog Pure Frozen Yogurt on Urbanspoon


Fortified and full of amore, I left the Southbank and headed down the Waterloo Road to Lambeth for a rather more sobering afternoon of reflection and commemoration. As a representative of the WW1 Centenary Partnership, I had been lucky enough to be invited to a preview of the reopening of the Imperial War Museum in Southwark.

With its new glass atrium, built by Foster and Partners, the former site of the notorious Bedlam hospital looks more magnificent and sobering than ever.  A V-1 Doodlebug and a Harrier Jet join the iconic Spitfire and Sopwith Camel suspended in the skies above, while other exhibits on land include a Reuters Land Rover damaged in an attack in Gaza, a bombed out shell of a car recovered from a Baghdad market  and a menacing, Czech built, T-34 tank.

The Holocaust galleries remain as powerful as ever, while the surrounding rooms house a variety of exhibits and stories from conflicts of the last century that range from the Maggie puppet featured on Spitting Image, to imploded glass bottles and tiles found at Hiroshima, to a twisted window frame from the World Trade Centre.

The primary reason for my visit was to see newly configured Great War galleries, featuring over 1,300 objects and including an overhauled trench experience that attempts to evoke the difficult, and often brutally short, life of a soldier fighting on the Front.

The display runs on two sides of a u-shape, with the war – including the war at sea and campaigns in the Middle East, Africa, Gallipoli and the Western Front represented on the outside wall, and the home front – including Germany’s – on the inside. Here you can find out what life was like at home during the First World War in Britain and its former Empire. Discovering the reasons why men signed up for service and the contributions women made to keep the troops fed and fighting.

Reopen fully as of the 18th July, the exhibition, like the museum itself, is a poignant commemoration to the brutality and senselessness of conflict, asking us to question the ‘three Cs’: Cause, Course and Consequence. It also leaves you with the hope that love really can conquer all.

Village Mangal, Amersham

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Amersham, the start of the commuter belt, a town thrumming with the gentle bubble of suburban life and the joys (and despair) of nothing in particular. Amersham, the end of the Metropolitan Line, celebrated by John Betjemen in Metro-land (given the marvellous working title, The Joys of Urban Living), who proclaimed of life beyond the town; ‘In those wet fields the railway didn't pay/The Metro stops at Amersham today.’

Knowing the town as I do (my second student job was here, at the foot of the hill linking the old and new towns) you would probably forgive my scepticism that the Village Mangal would be anything more than a high day and holiday sort of place, serving humdrum food -with sparklers in every other pudding to celebrate yet another birthday – washed down with copious amounts of wine and the odd family disagreement.

In the spirit of trying new things I had arranged a dinner date with The Ewing and Maz, the Witness (our wedding, not Jehovah's), not hoping for much, but assuring ourselves there would be lots of juicy gossip to make up for any shortcomings in the food. So it was with a degree of happy surprise that the grub turned out to be as plentiful and tasty as the conversations.

The start of our meal, however, was a little inauspicious. Arriving straight after work to a near empty restaurant meant we bore the initial brunt of the waiters overzealous attention. While they were all very friendly, there is a limit of how many times you need the cruet set rearranging by a procession of different staff, especially if you’re waiting to hear the denouement of a particularly exciting story.

On the food front things started very promisingly with a gratis selection of meze, including a  plate of charred onions dressed with a pleasingly sour mixture of pomegranate and sumac served alongside pillowy Turkish bread and a duo of dips; spicy tomato and olive oil, and herb and yoghurt.

Next was a lamacun, a pizza-cum-flatbread, topped with ground lamb and spices, that came served with a pile of sumac -flecked pickles and salad.  A wholly unnecessary stop gap of a dish that has become something of a must- order when I see it in honour of the magical Stealth, who rates them as one of her favourite foods.

Not only was it superlative, it was also £2.50, hardly Home Counties prices. In fact the whole menu was eminently reasonable, with kebabs and grills, with rice and salad, starting at £7.00 and a two course weekday lunch is also available for bargain hunters.

Being ladies with somewhat more expensive tastes the Ewing agreed (using some gentle persuasion) to share the Mangal grill with me; a huge pile of grilled meat and rice served with yet more salad and pickles, £24 all in.

The meat, a selection of lamb ribs, lamb chops, lamb shish, chicken shish and kofte was fantastic; heavily seasoned with salt and spices and smoky from the chargrill. It was only later, when I walked to the back of the restaurant, that I saw how the authentic flavour had been achieved – although the thick fug of smoke and heat should have probably have given the game away sooner.

Tucked away, before you reach the kitchen, was a large open grill where, a rather unfortunate, given the stifling weather, man sat sentry over an array of skewers of different meats, vegetables and fish. His labours were worth it because it was all - especially the lamb ribs, that I am still fantasising over a fortnight later – fabulous.

Maz chose another humdinger, with the Hünkar Beğendi, or Sultan’s Delight. This was a plate of lamb, stewed lightly in a tomato sauce, on a bed of impossibly glorious aubergine. There are few things as wonderful in life as a aubergine cooked just right (often a tricky thing), and this was silky, oily and smoky, with no hint of the spongy, bland bitterness that can often blight it.

While it looked for a while as if we would be needing a doggy bag, the Ewing diligently persevered until just a heap of bones and sticky fingers remained. There was even enough room for a thick, strong coffee and a few morsels of traditional Turkish sweetmeats. The perfect end to a 'delightful' evening.

Summer Cake with Apricots, Almonds and Raspberries

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A bit of late summer foraging always puts me in mind of the words of the wonderful Seamus Heaney:

Blackberry Picking
Late August, given heavy rain and sun
For a full week, the blackberries would ripen.
At first, just one, a glossy purple clot
Among others, red, green, hard as a knot.
You ate that first one and its flesh was sweet
Like thickened wine: summer's blood was in it
Leaving stains upon the tongue and lust for
Picking. Then red ones inked up and that hunger
Sent us out with milk cans, pea tins, jam-pots
Where briars scratched and wet grass bleached our boots.
Round hayfields, cornfields and potato-drills
We trekked and picked until the cans were full
Until the tinkling bottom had been covered
With green ones, and on top big dark blobs burned
Like a plate of eyes. Our hands were peppered
With thorn pricks, our palms sticky as Bluebeard's.
We hoarded the fresh berries in the byre.
But when the bath was filled we found a fur,
A rat-grey fungus, glutting on our cache.
The juice was stinking too. Once off the bush
The fruit fermented, the sweet flesh would turn sour.
I always felt like crying. It wasn't fair
That all the lovely canfuls smelt of rot.
Each year I hoped they'd keep, knew they would not.

Luckily for me there’s a huge blackberry bush at the end of my front garden, providing handfuls of snatched berries for breakfast on route to work with further pickings gathered on the way home to be instantly frozen or eaten with yogurt or cream.

Other berries, particularly fragile raspberries and tayberries, are more troublesome. Each year I always vow only to pick enough to eat that day; not only are they so fragile but they also are the most expensive of the soft fruits at our local PYO, and its heart-breaking to have to throw away any fuzzy or hopelessly squashed ones.

Of course each year is the same and the allure of the little scarlet fruits, gently sun warmed, is too much to resist. We always end up carting home at least a couple of large punnets to gently taunt me every time I open the fridge door.

This year I was determined to be more organised, as well as some of Dan Lepard’s oat bran muffins, studded with both blueberries and raspberries - far less virtuous than they sound and very, very easy – I also picked out this Summer cake from Nigel Slater, for Stealth’s annual, seemingly never-ending, unbirthday bash.

I’m afraid I can’t take credit for the making of this cake, it was one of the wonderful Ewing’s creations, but I can take full credit for demolishing several large slices. The ground almonds and soft fruit keep it particularly moist, but a little dollop of cream or ice cream alongside wouldn't go amiss either…


Summer Cake with Raspberries and Apricots 
Adapted from Nigel Slater's Tender volume II

Serves 8-10 
175g butter 
175g golden caster sugar 
200g ripe apricots (or peaches or plums)
2 large eggs 
175g self-raising flour 
100g ground almonds 
1 tsp grated orange zest 
a few drops of vanilla extract 
150g raspberries (or any other soft berries)

Line the base of a 20cm, loose-bottomed cake tin with baking paper. Set the oven at 170C
Cream the butter and sugar together in a food mixer until pale and fluffy. 
Halve, stone and roughly chop the apricots. 
Beat the eggs lightly then add, a little at a time, to the creamed butter and sugar. If there is any sign of curdling, stir in a tablespoon of the flour.
Mix the flour and almonds together and fold in slowly to the creamed buter/sugar/eggs.
Add the orange zest and vanilla, and once they are incorporated gently stir in the chopped apricots and raspberries.
Scrape the mixture into the cake tin and bake for 1 hour and 10 minutes. 
Test with a skewer – if it comes out relatively clean, then the cake is done. 
Leave the cake to cool for 10 minutes or so in the tin, run a palette knife around the edge, then slide out on to a plate.
Decorate with a sprinkling of icing sugar or granulated sugar and serve with cream or ice cream and more berries.


'Noodle Bar', Leicester Square (and some Unbirthday Cake)

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There are three hundred and sixty-four days when you might get un-birthday presents, and only one for birthday presents, you know. Lewis Carroll

A couple of weeks ago, as a precursor to Stealth's unbirthday trip to the Proms, I decided to treat her for dinner at a cheap, unlicensed and un-air-conditioned dive in the heart of tacky tourist central. No one can say I don’t push the boat out.

There was a brief moment, when I was trying to, literally, push my way from Piccadilly Circus to Leicester Square, when the mercury was still hitting 30 at six in the evening and most of London had decided to descend upon Theatreland, where I questioned my own sanity on suggesting such an idea.

But, despite the crowds and the heat and inauspicious frontage of the place – just look for the sign that says ‘noodles’ – I knew that at the back, past the trays of luminous sweet and sour and chow mein and fug of steaming dumplings, that Stealth’s spicy noodle urge would soon be sated.

Typically, despite the address and link to Google maps being provided, Stealth had decided to trust her own sense of direction and was waiting at the other noodle bar opposite the other entrance of Leicester Square tube. Something that was comical when recounted later, but didn’t seem quite as amusing as we were sublimating on the pavement.

Troops successfully reconvened, we were hustled by the staff waiting on the pavement outside to the cramped seating area at the back and presented with, helpfully illustrated, laminated menus. There's plenty to chose from, but ignore all the standard glop that sits in trays under heat lamps, the handmade noodles are the real draw here.

These noodles come in two varieties, la mian, the thin, hand pulled variety, and Dao Xiao Mian, which are shaved from a big ball of dough, wrapped round a stick, straight into the steaming stockpot. Both these types can be ordered in soup, dry style or fried, and then topped with various meat, fish and vegetables.

From the little ledge along the side of the restaurant, where we were perched, we had a prime seat to one of the best shows in town, watching enthralled at the lengths of oil dough being expertly twisted and tossed into the air until they split into tiny, glistening threads that were dispatched straight into the bubbling broth.

Minutes later and our steaming bowls were in front of us; hot and sour beef with la mian for Stealth, Dan Dan noodles with la mian for the Ewing and crispy pork chop with fried Dao Xiao for me.
The la mian were springy and toothsome, just like a good noodle should be. Stealth’s soup was pleasingly piquant, full of strips of tender meat and greens while the Ewing’s Dan Dan rendition had a flavoursome broth topped with plenty of porky, nutty sauce.

My platter - literally, a vast metal tray- was piled with crisp cabbage and onions and chunks of juicy pork chop and studded throughout with comforting noodle chunks that were chewy and stodgy, in the best possible way.

Noodle mains are decently priced, between £ 6-£7.50, and the portions are gargantuan. For the adventurous there is also a huge menu of side dishes that includes various preparations of tripe, liver and tongue alongside cucumber served with pig’s ears, and stomach of duck in red oil.

We also ordered a plate of steamed dumplings stuffed with pork and Chines chives – superfluous, but rather forced on us by our brusque, but amusing waiter – which were very good.  The handmade wrappers encasing the centre were delicate and light with the inside being fragrantly allium-spiked and beautifully juicy.

It isn’t licenced, they don’t offer tap water, service is comically curt and pushy and there is barely room to swing the noodles, let alone anything else, but Zhengzhong Lanzhou Lamian Noodle Bar has a curious charm as well as damn fine noodles.

Lanzhou on Urbanspoon
To round off the un-birthday treat, our final stop was intended to be the Golden Gate Desert House on Shaftsbury Avenue but time dictated we had to Go West (thanks to Stealth’s boss) to the Royal Albert Hall. No matter, as we had the chance to go back the following evening before returning home, although sadly sans Stealth this time.

Again, it’s not a fancy gaff, although the elaborate range of cakes and gateaux’s in the window at the front and the chilled cabinet inside are properly swanky. The Ewing went for the chocolate mousse layered sponge, complete with strawberry frog topper who was sadly blinded in an unfortunate accident on the trip home – while I picked the impressive pandan cake.

I love the flavour of pandan, and this, with the layers of lurid green jelly, fluffy sponge and coconut cream, was like a rather exotic children’s tea party. The Ewing pronounced her cake as ‘light as air’ although you’ll have to take her word for it as not much remained for me to corroborate.

The bright purple taro mousse cake also looked particularly intriguing and is top of the list for a return visit, They also stock a small range of pork, cheese, spring onion or sausage stuffed savoury buns, lotus cakes and moon cakes as well as dramatic, many layered, cream and fruit topped celebration cakes for all occasions.

Golden Gate Dessert House on Urbanspoon

Still sweltering in the sultry City heat wave our last stop was Boba Jam, two doors down from the Desert House. Here they serve a small variety of South east Asian/Chinese deserts – mostly involving strange flavoured fruit, beans and seeds – and a selection of savoury snacks, but the biggest lure is the range of Boba tea and fruit jelly drinks.

We played it safe with the Hong Kong style – a strong black tea with condensed milk – served with black tapioca pearls and lashings of ice. Everyone knows that you can’t have an un-birthday without tea and cake, and this was the perfect finale. Here’s to Stealth’s next 363 un-special days.

Boba Jam on Urbanspoon

Pizza (and Proms) - Homeslice, Covent Garden

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While I’m not a huge one for life-affirming mantras,  or ‘inspiring’ memes on Instagram, one lesson – taught to me by Madonna at the end of the Human Nature video – I like to live by is ‘absolutely no regrets’.

While not normally a hard thing to abide – this lapsed Catholic very much lacks the guilt gene – I had to struggle to remember it upon waking after our evening with the Pet Shop Boys at the Late Night Proms. Suddenly all those double G&Ts to slake our thirst, followed by a boozy late night roam through St James and past Buck House to wave at Liz, followed by a few more cans of cold Six Point IPA we found back at Stealth’s house seemed a very bad idea indeed…

Auspiciously, just at the moment I feared I might never be able to sit upright with my eyes open simultaneously, the ice cream chimes could be heard across the Newington Estate.  Moments later the magical Stealth had raced outside to grab a brace of 99s, and even deigned to let the Ewing and I eat them in bed.

With sugar safely on board – rarely has whipped fat and air seemed more welcomed - things didn’t seem quite as hopeless; suddenly the lure of more carbs and some hair of the dog began to look very appealing indeed. A cold shower and a cup of tea later and we were back out pounding the – very, very hot and sticky - tarmac of London Town in search of further sustenance.

In view of Stealth having a date to keep in Soho later that evening, we hit the centre of town, conveniently forgetting the horrors of the Big Smoke in the midst of a sultry summer that we had experienced just the previous evening. Thankfully, as with our noodle exploits the night before, braving the hordes was worth it as I had one goal in mind: securing beer and pizza.

Our destination was Homeslice, hidden away in the bright and busy warren of Neal’s Yard – alongside the eponymous cheese and natural remedy purveyors - tucked between Shorts Gardens and Monmouth Street.

As with nearby neighbours, Pizza Pilgrims, Homeslice started out with a mobile oven, this time situated in an East London brewery. After a couple of nomadic years they found a permanent home in the West, and rather a nice one it is;  wooden benches and exposed pipes and brickwork are all present and correct, alongside the jewel in the crown, the wood fired pizza oven. It’s cool, fun and (very) loud.

Orders are taken on an ipad, obviously, and we start with frosty tankards of Camden Helles, served on tap alongside glasses of Prosecco, and pretty good value for a restaurant in Covent Garden (or pretty much anywhere in Lahndan now days) at £4.50 a pop.

Rambling aside alert: While it may start to show my age, I remember my aunt buying me four and a half pound pints at the Rock Garden, just around the corner, when I was an impoverished student. This was over fifteen years ago, now, when the average pint cost £1.97, and I was at once both in awe of the cost and faintly cheated that tasted more of fizzy regret than sparkling ambrosia.

There are also over-sized bottles of wine available in the full trio of colours; drink what you like and pay by every centimetre glugged, the remaining vino measured out with an old fashioned wooden ruler by your waiter on requesting the bill.

Unsurprisingly Pizzas are the main draw; in fact the only draw. There are no sides, starters or puds to muddy the waters, just pies, whole or by the slice, from a regularly changing list chalked up on a board by the entrance.

Choices are different without being too outré. Expect to see combos like scallops with peanut, haggis and Ogleshield cheese or oxtail and horseradish alongside more familiar favourites such as the classic Caprese or aubergines and courgettes with artichoke. All slices – usually three choices – are £4, all pies £20. If you think that’s a lot of dough to drop on some dough, check the diameter – these babies are the size of a BMX wheel.

We went for a half and half split between a pizza Bianca of white anchovies, chard and Berkswell and a red pie topped with pulled pork, radish, pea shoots and mint pesto.

Everything was spot on; the crust both blistered and charred and floppy and chewy in all the right places and the toppings artfully placed to fill every bite without being sparse. Fortuitously, in the intrests of having to share, I preferred the fish and greens, with the salty sheep's cheese and tang of lemon while the Ewing liked the  porky side, especially the crunch of radish and the sprightly mint pesto. Meanwhile Stealth just got stuck into the beer while trying to snaffle all the nice crusty bits when our backs were turned.

Homeslice on Urbanspoon

Of course, I couldn't omit a mention of the wonderful PSB, debuting their Man From the Future, a musical tribute to the great Alan Turing, at the Roal Albert Hall. A fabulous performance of a bittersweet story; we even bumped in to the girls from the future, too...

Bermondsey Beer Mile

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Thankfully, given my unfailing ability to overlook the finer details, I’ve never been much of a completionist. Throughout my life I’ve left a wake of unfinished collections – from baseball cards to He-Man figures, Garbage Pail Kid stickers to Simpson’s box sets. I did have the whole set of the Just William books, but the second one fell into the swimming pool on holiday, and was never quite the same again…

With this scrupulous inattention to detail you may have thought it wouldn’t have bothered me to find out we’d missed one of the stops on my first attempt to crack the Bermondsey Beer Mile. You would have been wrong. But first, let’s go back to the beginning.

The BBM is a collection of five breweries that have sprung up around Bermondsey, starting at the arches in Druid Street and stretching across to the Bermondsey Trading Estate. Yes, it stretches the definition of 1760 yards somewhat, but the Beer Mile and a Half doesn’t have quite the same ring.

Originally I embarked upon the challenge early on a drizzly July Saturday (the only day all the brewery's tap rooms are currently open) with my faithful accomplice, the magical Stealth. A fortifying walk up East Street market and we were ready for our first drink, at the Kernel Brewery in Dockley Road. There are many different theories on the best ways to do the trail, but we decided to hit the centre point as Kernel are the busiest and also close the earliest (9.00-2.00).

The Kernel were the first of the new wave of brewers to set up around these parts and quickly became a huge success with owner and brewer, Evin O'Riordain, being awarded the British Guild of Beer Writers Brewer of the Year 2011. This success doesn’t come without cost, hence their early closing as they struggle to contain the crowds of thirsty south East Londoners who cram into the railways arches every Saturday morning.

The Kernel has been a favourite since my first visit a couple of years ago; from their hard hitting pale ales and IPAs, flavoured with a variety of different hops; to their Christmassy stouts, a favourite of the Ewing; to their quaffable table beer. In the past I've I've sunk a lot of their range, with the highlight being the night I turned up at Stealth's house to find she had filled the bathtub full of bottles bought fresh from the brewery that morning.

One I haven’t yet tried was their London Sour, and here it was on tap with added raspberry. A (almost) healthy fruit-filled start to the day – we hadn't had any breakfast yet – and not too full-on at 3.6%. This was a fabulous beer, fresh tart and tangy, balanced with a hint of sweetness. A great warm weather drink and very refreshing. Stealth had the Export Stout, a much bolder brew at 8.2%; a bruiser of a beer with plenty of chocolate, leather and coffee flavours with a creamy finish; another cracker.

Next stop was Partizan; tucked away in the arches in Almond road. Thankfully a very helpful guy in a hard hat appeared just in time to show us the way through the hoardings when we feared we were lost in the midst of an abandoned building site.

Partizan’s approach, like its surroundings, is very stripped back. They offer a range of beers on keg, alongside a selection of bottles which are all advertised on pleasingly ramshackle, handwritten cardboard signs. In contrast to their signage, the bottle’s labels are pretty damn snazzy and we picked up a lemon and thyme flavoured saison for the Ewing to drink later.

Stealth’s request for a recommendationwas met with a rather blank look – I’m not sure everyone is ready for her mumbled enthusiasm so early in the morning, so I stepped in to choose her a ginger saison, knowing her love on Jamaican ginger beer. A decent enough drop, but somewhat lacking the fiery flavour she was hoping for. I turned to the dark side with a saaz, made, unsurprisingly, with saaz hops and tasting like a light fruitcake mixed with stout, a very agreeable combination.

The best part of our visit was when Stealth enlisted a poor man next to us, quietly trying to enjoy his pint, to take a photo. While I think he may have fancied himself as a bit of a David Bailey, I think he may have imbibed one too many shandies. Still, at least there was one snap with our heads still intact, so points for that.

Next up was a trawl around the Bermondsey trading estate, where another very nice man we hosing down his work van downed tools and actually lead us to Fourpure (who said anything about unfriendly Londoners), the furthest Brewery on the trail.

The staff here were super friendly and enthusiastic, especially the lady who served us and offered to split a schooner of the Roux Brew – a 5.6% Belgian Ale - between two different glasses before coming over to our table tell us a bit more about its providence and ingredients, including orange and coriander seeds.

The beer was originally brewed by Fourpure head brewer, John Driebergen, as part of a competition organised by the London Brewer’s Alliance, which saw 12 London breweries battle it for the title of “Roux brew”, a special “house” beer paired to be with a seasonal menu at the Le Gavroche, Roux at Parliament Square and the Landau restaurants. Fourpure were victorious and this very tasty beer was the result.

I don’t know if it’s still on tap, but if so get down and fill yer boots while it’s still summer. The rest of their beers are decent too, and nice and portable in their distinctive cans, we even had time to enjoy a Amber ale (toasty, malty, touch of caramel) and an IPA (piney, spice, grapefuit) The brewery and tap room are the largest on the tour, if you don’t fancy a drink you can always call in for a game of ping pong , there was even a hen party being shown around when we visited.

At this point the tour took a slightly random turn; buoyed by beer we headed back towards the Druid Street arches and what we though was the last stop. A comical route ensued, lead by Stealth holding Googlemaps on my dying phone (hers had already expired), aloft and leading us in concentric circles Camus would have been proud of.

Eventually we found ourselves back at Marquis of Wellington, a stalwart of a pub featuring of good old fashioned fizzy lager and a no nonsense ‘proper’ bar staff. We decamped for a much needed pint of lime and soda – something which I originally felt a bit tight ordering, not wanting to see these fancy upstart weekend only tap rooms usurping the proper working class gaffs of old, until I was charged a fiver for two glasses of squash. Well, I hear you say, it is London…

Still, it’s worth a visit, just to have some good old fashioned banter with the barmaid and assorted clientele who were interested to hear about our boozy morning thus far - banter which lead me to discovering the flaw in our plan; we had walked straight past the penultimate stop.

At this point the logical workings of a sober mind would have would have concluded we should backtrack on ourselves (anathema to both Stealth and I) to grab a quick pint at Brew By Numbers, the stop we had missed, and come back for a final fling across the road.

But, staring into the bottom of our glasses of weak lime cordial, we knew it was a brewery too far. The heat, our feet and general levels of inebriation being what they were we reasoned with ourselves that we had gone off piste, that the Marquis of Wellington was our fourth stop and it didn’t really matter…

Decision made we popped over the road to our last stop, Anspach and Hobday/Bullfinch brewers. The former are a Kickstarter funded set up with the latter sharing their brewing equipment.

Beered out, we went with a Jensen gin and tonic - distilled around thee corner, they also have their own bar, too if you fancy popping in for a cocktail - and a trio of the Ansbach and Hobday brews to take home for the Ewing; an IPA, the Porter and the Smoked Brown. (Sadly the paper bag they were supplied in made it as far as London Bridge before the former two bottle met their fate with the pavement. Luckily the surviving Smoked Brown - a brown ale made with smoked barley - went down very well.)

Mission accomplished, or so we thought, we headed back to Stealth's for a little siesta and a couple of Alka Seltza. It was only on reviewing our adventures later that day that I realised that I wouldn't be able to rest without visiting the final piece in the brewery puzzle. (This was, of course, metaphorical, as I had already been asleep for the most of the afternoon.). I knew that, unlike my abandoned Batman Topps trading cards and my half finished Esso Italia 90 coin collection, I would have to return to complete the Bermondsey brew house set.

Luckily the Ewing was the second willing accomplice who agreed to wander around South London with me drinking beer and getting lost, and we headed back a fortnight later for doughnuts and ham and cocktails (see the forthcoming Bump Caves blog for that exciting installment) and, finally, a visit to Brew By Numbers, found down in the arches on Enid Street.

Brew by Number’s beers are named after a very simple premise. The first number relates to the style of the beer, while the second number indicates the incarnation e.g. what hops/brewing methods or flavourings are used. E.g. the number 4 denotes their Berliner Weisse, which is available as 1 – classic; 2 – double strength and 3 – lime versions.

Shamefully, after all the fuss, I'm not even sure what I ended up drinking, but I'm (fairly) confident it was the Session IPA, hopped with both chinook and amarillo, for a hoppy punch at a low (4.5%) ABV. From the colour I know the Ewing went with the Original Porter, her customary favoured style of beer.

Brews in hand - they also offer rather good looking scotch eggs, which even as an avowed egg avoider I was tempted by. Has anyone every come up with a plausible substitution for the egg bit? – we decamped outside to enjoy our drinks in the sunshine. 

One the oddest bits about drinking here came with the positioning of the lovely Welsh chap by the entrance, who seemed to have been given the rather thankless role of telling people that they had to sit within the packing crate seating area. Possibly something a sign, or even some rope, could have solved far more efficiently - but working with the public myself, I know that signs are merely put there to be ignored.

First rounds sunk, we went back to the arches for a beer at Ansbach and Hobday/Bullfinch to try the beers straight from the tap. Initially I was rather discombobulated, as they had moved their keg taps from straight ahead as you enter, to being positioned on the right hand wall. Thankfully everything else was present and correct, including their sign for their Mr Barrick's pie and pickle, which I still haven’t sampled but I’m planning to make third visit lucky. They also get extra brownie points on account of the Folk implosion’s Mechanical Man playing and the fact the barman was wearing a Minnesota Twins shirt.

To drink I had the Bullfinch Hopocalypse, a pretty easy going 6% pale ale that currently features Zythos, Mosaic and Galaxy hops.  The Ewing picked, after much deliberation to the amusement of the barman, the Smoked Brown she had enjoyed in the bottle after my previous visit.  We also had a bottle of Bullfinch’s Dapper - celebration of the Great British Hop brewed in the style of an American IPA – in honour of the very well dressed, but sadly absent, Stealth.


There was even time for another beery selfie by the arches. Firstly, to let Stealth know that the trail was finally complete, and secondly to remind myself of my own achievements. Not lest the facts the next morning - after several more beers and quite a few cocktails - should seem little more than an alcoholic haze. (They were, but that’s another blog…)

Castle Kebab, Elephant and Castle

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Alongside her love of noodle soup, Stealth’s favourite food remains a Turkish/ 'Lesbian'ese hybrid - although I haven't known her to turn down much that's edible, in all honesty. This is borne of two factors; firstly the convivial nature of eating; this is a cuisine where you are served lots of different dishes to share (or, in the Ewing's case, not) with those dining with you; and secondly thanks to her father, who often worked and travelled in Turkey and grew to love both the people and the cuisine. 

So much so, in fact that when Stealth’s sister revisited one of her father’s favourite haunts in Istanbul, years after he last been, they remembered him as Mr ‘Three Rice Puddings’ (a moniker I’m secretly rather jealous of).

Happily for her, Castle Kebab, a new Turkish gaff has opened a few minutes’ walk from Stealth’s flat – there is also ‘The Best Kebab’, (ever so) slightly further up the road, but Stealth considers the extra couple of hundred metres an affront, so I haven’t been able to judge the rather bold claim promised by their name.

While Castle also may also struggle to live up to its regal title from the outside, inside, past the strips lights, chilled cabinets stuffed with meat-laden skewers, and row of chairs for people waiting for their takeaway shwarma fix, is a pleasant, if rather basic, dine-in area.

Efes are icy cold and bought quickly. Stealth barely lets the froth settle on her top lip before another one is on its way. They also offer exotic fruit juices and Ayran, a carbonated yoghurt drink, which is supposed to be rather refreshing in the heat - the Ewing’s a big fan, but I still slightly fear the idea of fizzy, fermented milk and stuck to the booze.

A saucer of piuant pickles and some squares of pillowy Turkish bread turned up to to munch on before our starters; a selection of borek (cheese stuffed feta parcels); kisir (bulgur, parsley, and tomato paste); and grilled onions served with spicy turnip juice - this same juice can also be ordered as a beverage on its own; needless to say, we didn't.

Stealth particularly loved the borek; being both crispy and greasy and with a pleasingly molten Feta centre that reminded her of holidays on the Bosporus (or something). I’m not even sure I got to try the kisir – so much for this sharing lark – but it looked very pretty anyway. The onions were good; a mix of sweet and sour with a charred and smoky edge.

Stealth chose her main from one of the trio of changing stews in the window; her pick being an unassuming ut brilliant mix of waxy potato chunks and lamb kofte in a thin tomatoey gravy and topped with grilled tomatoes and green chillies.

I continued with the cop shish - very similar to the standard shish kebab, but with smaller chunks of meat, meaning more surface area for all the delicious crispy crunchy bits. The lamb was superlative, tender, and juicy and smoky; while the tomato flecked bulgar and fluffy rice alongside did the job of providing ballast.

A little too much ballast perhaps, as we got half way through before downing forks, defeated. No matter as the Ewing was a very thankful recipient of the doggy bag I schlepped all the way home, even managing to transport the two pieces of baklava back without too much syrup spillage. 

With our usual over ordering and enthusiastic beer consumption I didn’t have the chance to sample even one of their Sutlac (rice pudding) let alone a trio, but something tells me we’ll be back before very long. 

Bump Caves and Bocadillos

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With a recent long, late summer's weekend stretching out in front of us it seemed the perfect chance to completely the final piece of the beer puzzle on the Bermondsey Mile - as well as the chance to pop in to some old haunts alongside trying some trendy new cocktails in what has become one of my favourite corners of town.

Before the last IPA was imbibed at Brew by Numbers, we stopped at St John’s new Bakery Room (on the other side of the arches that churn out their famed bread and pastries) for some cop-like breakfast fortification in the form of coffee and their famed doughnuts.

Alongside the fabulous raspberry jam filled number we also sampled a butterscotch custard (I had first eaten one of these a couple of weeks before, but buying it on a very hot day, followed by a couple of nights in Stealth's fridge, rendered the outside tough and the insides curdled - needless to say, I still ate it, though). Thankfully this one was creamy, crispy, gooey perfection and paired nicely with a coffee.

Those prefering to start the day with the strong stuff can take advantage of the short French wine list, or enjoy seed cake and Maderia for elevenses. They also serve a selection of St John greatest hits - think pig's ears, tripe and cod's roe - for lunch.

Beers successfully drunk in the arches and we were back on Maltby Street again, this time to Bar Tozino, another gem of a place I first discovered a couple of winters ago on my first visit to the Ropewalk. It’s still as fab as ever; the velvet draped heavy oak doors leading into a long thin dark cave (as Iberian as anywhere I have been to outside Spain) lined with glistening hams and bottles of wine and sherry.

Here we lunched very well, as always, on a selection of green olives, Los Pedroches Bellota jamon, padron peppers, manchego flavoured with rosemary and pan con tomate; all washed down with a half bottle of icy cold, slightly salty, Manzanilla sherry. If you can get a seat near the front, you’ll also be treated to a ham show as the fat-flecked pink slices are artfully carved to order.

After stopping for a couple of sweet treats, a salted caramel Bad Brownie for the Ewing and a choc chip cookie for me, we made our way across London Bridge to see the new installation at the Tower of London - passing these cuddly fellas on the way, who look like they had already imbibed one too many shandies.

Blood Swept Lands and Seas of Red - an installation marking the centenary of the outbreak of the First World War and created by ceramic artist Paul Cummins - will see 888,246 ceramic poppies, the first laid on the centenary of the Great War and the last due to be planted on 11th November this year, that will progressively fill the Tower’s famous moat.

It's a pretty a pretty sobering sight, as well as a moving piece of art in its own right, and is well worth making time to go and see; you can even volunteer to help 'plant' the poppies. Every evening, the Last Post will be played at sunset and the public are asked to nominate a member of the Commonwealth forces who was killed in the First World War to have their name read out in the nightly ceremony. The ceramic poppies are also available to buy after the installation ends for £25, with proceeds going to a range of service charities in the UK.

Final stop was for cocktails at Bump Caves, the new bar in the basement of a favourite old haunt, the Draft House on Tower Bridge road. We couldn't go down stairs without enjoying at least one beer in the sunshine, alongside some of their famed foot-long pork scratchings  - the 'deliciousest' around, and who am I to argue - and a must order whenever I visit.

Accessed by a door to the left of the Draft House, or down their stairs by the, shared, loos, Bump Caves is a Sixties inspired underground bar that, in the words of owner, Charlie McVeigh, is 'inspired by the late-Sixties psychedelic movement, Tom Wolfe’s The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test, light shows, freedom, the destruction of phoney Fifties morality, ear-melting music and hallucinogenic drugs.'

It sounds, frankly, a tiny bit rubbish. Thankfully in real life Bump Caves is far more understated and laid-back than its raison d'être would suggest. While touches of neon give it a kinda groovy vibe there’s also plenty of modern tiling and shiny leather rather than tie dyes and sheepskin. Sadly there are no hallucinogenic drugs, but luckily – for those of a rapidly advancing age such as ourselves - there’s no ear-melting music either.

Max Chater, barman or “Chemist, Distiller and Rectifier” was there to greet us on our visit and remains sweetly enthusiastic despite the appearance of a bedraggled Stealth - who has arrived to join us for a quick G’n’T and remains a hard nut to crack at the best of times (these are not the best of times).

As the Ewing is on their mailing list, the first round of drinks, a house ‘bumped’ Gin and Tonic - with hop infused gin and house made tonic - is provided gratis in return for some emailed feedback later. It’s served in a flute, something which Stealth is immediately dubious about, but I rather like it. The flavours are mellow – there’s no rasp of juniper of throat tickle from the quinine, but it’s fragrant and the gentle carbonation means it slips down easily as a salve from the hot fuggy streets of the city above us.

Stealth downs hers pretty quickly and without (much) complaint, but after Max comes to talk to us about what we thought, she remains resolutely stubborn in her request for something ‘fizzy and with lime’; Heathen. Luckily he hits the jackpot with a large measure of the strong stuff, plenty of citrus fruit and a bottle of Fever tree. Job’s a good ‘un.

My next drink is the signature Electric Kool Aid Acid Test, described on the menu as Bump malt, Campari, C&PP, sparkling Piquepoul, 9V and acid - which, while looking rather naughty with its bag of white powder clipped to the side, is essentially a large glass of rose, served with a battery alongside.

The whole thing is pretty fun though; the powder (citric acid) gives the drink a little welcome fizz, and while I may have given up battery licking years ago (since the good old days of my Tomy Lights Alive) there is something childishly addictive about the fizz you get from putting it on your tongue. Not a drink for everyone perhaps, but strangely addictive.

I'll be honest, the name of the Ewing's second drink has been lost to the excitement of the evening. I do know that it was served with a 'bump' of white chocolate, and both beverage and confectionery were dispatched before I could taste them. The surest sign of success.

Her night was rounded off with a Schiz-A-Colada, a mixture of white rum, pineapple and creme anglaise (custard for plebs like me), served with a coconut vapour filled e-cigarette. A pina colada gone mad, as the tile suggests, and good fun if you miss a crafty puff indoors.

My final drink was a beer and a 'bump' pairing of a To Øl Blossom wheat beer from Denmark - flavoured with three hops and six dried flowers -served with a bump of any icy cold distillate infused with a dill and some other magical (aka, I can't remember) things. A pleasingly Scandi combination and surprisingly both refreshing and fortifying.

While I think I still prefer the beers and pork products served above ground at the Draft House, Bump Caves is a great subterranean spot with charming service. Perfect for an interesting drink, or even a sniff, a lick or a dab outside the long arm of the law.

The evening ended with the perfect drunken train sandwich, a remarkably well preserved ham and tomato bocadillo from Bar Tozino, a salty, crunchy, juicy masterpiece and proving, after a evening of fancy new experiences, that often the simplest things are still the best.

#crabandicecreamchallenge

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In a change from my usual default horizontal mode things have gone a bit crazy bonkers recently; lots of work stuff, plenty of friend stuff, some family stuff and an allotment that is hemorrhaging marrows (and spaghetti squash, pumpkins, artichokes and tomatoes...).

Thankfully, to help restore the chilled-out equilibrium, we had a week down in North Devon to look forward to with with my Dad and his antipodean other half Shelly for company. Seven days where there was nothing more demanding to do than meet my one self-imposed  target - to eat ice cream and crab at least once a day throughout stay. #crabandicecreamchallenge (check Instagram for all the photos) accepted.

First stop, after aborted plans for lunch at the Broomhill Sculpture Gardens due to holiday traffic and and obligatory first fall out of the trip halfway down the M5, was the Porlock Weir, a picture postcard fishing harbour on the West Somerset coast.

Luckily we soon had our first success, in the form of crab sandwiches on the lawn at the, simply monikered, The Cafe. These formed perfectly pleasant and rather genteel lunch - although I did lower the tone slightly by stuffing them with the accompanying cheese and onion crisps. A solid and shell-free (the one downside with crab sarnies) start to our adventure.

Our first ice creams of our trip came from the Harbour Stores, courtesy of Styles, a local producer who make their wares, including a variety of ewe's milk ice creams and frozen desserts, on a nearby Exmoor Farm. We both decide to start our onerous challenge with the ewe's milk varieties, with a single cone of the strawberry for me and a double cone of chocolate and blueberry for the Ewing.

The strawberry - a flavour I normally find too sweet or weirdly artificial - was both clean and creamy while the blueberry was similarly fresh and fruity, but a little too floral and sweet for my tastes; the Ewing, however, loved it. The chocolate was a revelation; smooth and rich but not cloying and with a lovely bitter chocolate back note. Certainly one of the best we tried all week, and as a bonus the ewe's milk ice cream is also far lower in fat that the usual cows milk varieties. 

The first night saw a bit of a diversion from our original plans, instead of heading straight for Appledore, our base for the week, we were invited to stay with some friends in Bampton, on the edge of Exmoor. Needless to say there was much merriment and plenty of alcohol and, despite the best efforts of pints of hot tea and local sausages and bacon cooked in the Aga, the following morning was something of a struggle.

Luckily a bit of sunshine and a soothing sea breeze greeted us on our arrival in Appledore - a pretty quayside village on the Torridge estuary that has enough pubs to keep your interest but is pretty much on the road to nowhere, keeping the worst of the summer hordes at bay.

Carbs and cold Coca Cola were very much the order of the day, and after dumping the suitcases we walked down onto the quayside for some late lunch. Thankfully we quickly found John's, a deli/cafe with branches in both Appledore and across the water in Instow. John's may be as close to my idea of heaven as I'll find on earth; inside is a cornucopia of local products including shelves of beers, wines, biscuits, jams, chutneys and coffees; a counter groaning with homemade scones, flapjacks and brownies; and a chilled cabinet stuffed with cheese, fish, pies, pastries and tarts.

Choosing a takeaway so we could enjoy the fresh air and sunshine, we eschewed several of their other tempting crustacean-based products in order to go for the classic crab baguette. A majestical combo of crispy bread, crunchy salad, white and brown crab and lashing of Devonshire butter; salvation in a sandwich

When I was a child I always thought getting old meant the day you began to actually began to prefer ready salted crisps and vanilla ice cream above the myriad of other exciting flavour available, and vowed that that would never happen to me. Of course, now I am old(er) I have realised the pleasure of simple things (although I'm not sure I'll ever end my passionate love affair with pickled onion Monster Munch and Wotsits) and nothing highlights that more than Hockings, a North Devon institution.

Based in Appledore, Hockings have four vans posted around the vicinity selling one flavour, and one flavour only, classic vanilla. The vans are still wonderfully old fashioned and you can have your ice cream sandwiched in a wafer (with or without nougat), in an oyster, in a cup or in a cone.

It may have been the sea air, it may have been the sunshine, it may have been the stinking hangover, but this, without doubt, was one of the best ice creams I have had for a long time. I went with a wafer, a tricky customer to eat and pure nostalgia in every messy mouthful. The Ewing surpassed even herself with a triple cone topped with a heap of Devonshire clotted cream; sheer unbridled gluttony that necessitated an afternoon nap but was worth every calorie. 

If you want to cause ripples in a quaint Victorian seaside town then surely the best way is to commission Brit Art’s l'enfant terrible to create a giant statue of a naked pregnant woman for the harbour. Well, that's exactly what they did in the sleepy town of Illfracombe, cue our visit to see 'Verity', the opinion polarising stainless steel and bronze statue by Damian Hirst, for ourselves.

Taller than the Angel of the North, and with its exposed cut-through of Verity’s inner-workings, it’s certainly a conversation piece, although I think I preferred the views across the dark blue waters to Lundy Island, seen as we walked around the cliff path from the town beach.

Lunch was a brace of these gigantic beauties at Espresso (a slightly strange name for a very good little seasonal bistro, a short walk from the seafront) served with a glorious homemade mayo, crisp fries and a wonderfully sweet tomato and onion salad.

After a hour or so of cracking, picking and delving amongst the shells of these beasts came the first, and possibly only time, I have ever seen the Ewing down her pick as she reached Peak Crab. Yes, it is true, there can be (almost) too much of a good thing. Thankfully a good walk in the sea air around the cliffs and past Henry Williams house (the author of Tarka the Otter), even bumping in to a friend's mum who I last saw at my sister's wedding en route, sharpened our appetite for another frozen desert.

As we were in Devon, what could be more appropriate than, err, gelato from Turin (It did come highly recommended by said friend's mum). We share a cone of coffee and Bronte pistachio flavour. The latter - checkout the lustrous, almost metallic shine of the sweet nut infused custard - being peerless amongst most pistachio ice creams I have eaten; matching (and even surpassing most) of those I have enjoyed on holiday in Italy.

The next day saw a group outing and the first stop was Clovelly -  the privately owned, pedestrianised fishing village known for its steeply cobbled main street, donkeys and sledge-pulled deliveries and somewhere I had first visited with my family many moons before. An unusually early start proved a bonus, as the steep cobbled main street that lead down to the quay were almost deserted, and the late August sun felt almost Mediterranean against the wattle and daub houses and blue seas beyond.

My, elephant memoried, father recollected a small seafood purveyor down by the quayside on our last visit, and, lo and behold, it soon came into sight as we descended the last stretch of cobbles. Alongside our daily dose of fresh crab - a good blend of meaty white flesh and the iron-rich dark meat - I couldn't resist a pot of cockles, doused in plenty of malt vinegar and white pepper.

Ice cream number one, this was a big day for frozen dairy-based deserts, was a scoop of Dunstaple Farm clotted cream vanilla, replete with a good old chocolate flake. This was a classic West Country ice cream, made on a farm near Holsworthy, complete with that unique yellow tinge that the rich cream adds to the mix. Very nice, although the Ewing, despite the refusal of a cone of her own, seemed to have little problem helping me demolish it.

Lunch was enjoyed overlooking the stunning spot above, at the foot of Tintagel castle on the North Cornish coast. Alongside a Famous Five-esque feast of bread, cold meats and cheeses, we also queued for an interminably long time in Tintagel village for a trio of pasties from the Pengenna Bakery; two traditional steak and veg and a steak and Stilton for the Ewing. The joy of a piping hot pastry and a fresh sea breeze is a combo that would struggle to be beaten.

To get back from the Castle we had to pass the Helsett Farm trailer. Knowing that they were based just own the road near Boscastle, it seemed remiss not to stop by for a scoop. This time it was the Ewing's choice of a, rather unusual and beautifully hued, blackcurrant and cream flavour. Unlike earlier, where I was more than happy to share, she proved more territorial. I can, however, report that the couple of licks I did manage to snatch went down very nicely.

Final stop of the day was lovely Padstow. After a mosey around the bustling harbour - with the crowds spilling from the assorted pasty shops and Rick Stein's chippy - we headed down to the beach where the acres of golden sand were only punctuated two gnarly fisherman. 

After a scramble over the rocks quick paddle - out in the distance, in the harbour entrance, lies the mythical Doombar, for which the Sharp's beer is named - we had worked up enough appetite to head back to the harbour to complete our hat trick of ice creams.

Every time I visit this town I always stop for at least one cone from Roskilly's, and this time was no different. With flaours ranging from Cream Tea to Gooseberry Yogurt Ice, it was a tricky decision, but the Ewing and I finally plumped on sharing a scoop of Malty Mystery (see picture right at the top of the post), a marvellous mix of malt, cream and chocolate pieces.

Dad chose a tub of the Cornish Fairing, with a big whack of ginger spice and crunchy biscuit pieces, while Shelly went with the classic strawberry in a choc dipped cone. Great ices in a lovely setting.

Wednesday saw a trip to the coastal towns of Lynmouth (at the bottom) and Lynton (at the top). To traverse between the two we queued up for the cliff railway, a water powered (from the nearby Lyn River) funicular railway that lifts you 500 feet on a 58% gradient. Which why I had earlier passed on the Ewing's suggestion of walking up the steps.

Our reward when we reached the top was a late lunch in the gardens of Lacey's Tea Rooms where both went for the special, spicy fishcakes with chips and salad, washed down with a large pot of West Country tea. This was good, simple English cooking -  hot and crisp chips and crab cakes, with a nice tickle of spice, served with a pleasingly old fashioned salad including pickled beetroot, homemade coleslaw and retro mustard cress.

The efforts expended walking back along the cliff path necessitated an ice cream from Mavis Thrupton's hut in Lynmouth harbour. I went with Britain's first 'spaghetti' ice cream ( a Mr Whippy by any other name) while the Ewing had a double scoop of Cointeu an orange ice cream with chocolate chunks. While mine was decent enough, if lacking some strawberry 'tomato' sauce to really recreate the proper Italian noodle based effect, the Ewing wasn't very fond of hers (of course, she didn't stop it going to waste, though...).

To negate any disappointment we walked up the road to the next ice cream parlour, there's a big choice in Lynmouth, where I had a cone of the, deservedly, 'award winning!' Caravel Fudge Royale. The Ewing plumped for a scoop of good old chocolate - this time with added 'cream crunch', in the form of Oreo-esque biscuit pieces - guaranteed to always hit the spot. 

The weather began to break on the penultimate day, reverting back to that familiar old English drizzle. Perfect for our hike around Lydford Gorge and down to the waterfall, where the Ewing tried to hijack the pooh stick competition by attempting to fling in a tree trunk.

The star of a picnic lunch, much needed to fortify us for our hike, was a crab and ginger quiche, again from our friends at John's of Appledore. This was their quiche of the month, and certainly one of the nicest I have eaten. A topping of South Devon chilli jam was especially inspired.

Also a huge thumbs up for the very kind man at the cafe, who held the doors open past five o o'clock so we could call in for an ice cream on the return leg through the gorge. I'm not sure that passion fruit sorbet counts as an ice cream, but, after scrambling over mossy rocks and through muddy streams, I'm not sure I care.

It wouldn't be a holiday without a swim in the sea, so we headed across the Torridge to Instow on our final morning so the Ewing could freeze her toes, and various other appendages, off. Sensibly, I stayed dry by assuming the esteemed job of clothes/towel carrier and general dogsbody.

Lunch was a hat-trick from John's, this time at their Instow branch, with their crab pate, crackers and Cornish tomatoes eaten on the harbour wall. We also nabbed slices of millionaire's shortbread, and a syrup-soaked orange and polenta cake for the drive back; and, most importantly, a squealer pork pie from Chunk's of Devon. Currently My New Favourite thing.

The final fling on our #crabandicecreamchallenge was a stop at the Quince Honey Farm in South Molten on our way back home. After buying up essential supplies of Exmoor honey, beeswax candles and honey hand cream we sat outside to enjoy some of their honey ice creams.

They offer three flavours; honey with fudge, honey with honeycombe and straight honey, all made for them at Dunstaple Farm (see my ice cream at Clovelly) and all featuring a mix both their Exmoor heather honey and Devon flower honey. An unusual and subtle flavour with a hint of 'chewiness' in the finished ice cream that proved very pleasant.

And so the sun finally set on our fish and frozen dairy based adventure. A week that also featured much laughter, a bitter and pork scratching baptism for the Aussie contingent, late night chips by the harbour, morris dancing, brass bands by the seafront and some decent English weather. Even the Ewing, despite both being on holiday with her in-laws and getting a daily dose of crabs, couldn't help but succumb to the Devonian charms.

Sambal Kitchen and Diner

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A few weeks ago the Ewing and I were tasked with picking up a parcel from Gerrards Cross. Not wanting to schlep all the way over to ‘mini Hollywood’ – Wikipedia’s words, certainly not mine - for nothing, I was quick to seize the chance for an impromptu lunch stop en route.

The question was, where? As far as good eating goes, since leaving my first ever job (at legendary sandwich bar Mrs Crusty, the place I learnt how to battle with clingfilm and win) GX ‘village’ (it’s not) is depressingly bereft of anywhere I’d actively choose to patronise. This really is white sliced Middle Englander and ladies wot lunch territory.

Sure, there’s a branch of Malik’s – Heston’s favourite Cookham based curry house, and there’s Bawarchi, another Indian where we'd recently had a rather nice dinner. There’s also an offshoot of Beaconsfield bakers Jung’s, always good for a cake and a coffee; and I’ve been meaning to try the Three Oaks, yet another Cookham spin-off - although our meal at mother pub, the White Oak, was pretty average and pretty expensive.

After a bit of aimless Googling, I decided the best course of action was to carry on a few miles down the Western Avenue to South Harrow where, again according to my friend, Wikipedia, ‘shops on Northolt Road sell Sri Lankan and Polish groceries. There are five Halal butchers, nine public houses and four chicken shops.’ Beer and fried poultry, now that’s more like it.

Despite the leafy beech trees and chalk escarpments of my Chiltern home, I still love this neck of the woods. I was born less than two miles up the road and good old Grandad still happily lives round the corner in Pinner. I also love the contrast; as you dice with death dodging in and out of bus lanes, marvelling at tmyserious shops with names such as Shankar Superstore and Natraj Sweet Centre, a mere twenty minutes away au pairs pushing Bugaboos are competing for space at the duck pond on GX Common. South Harrow can still boast a bigger branch of Waitrose, though.

After an attempt to entice us into having our fortune read under the railway bridge (lord if it wasn’t for bad luck, you know I wouldn’t have no luck at all), we made it to Sambal Kitchen and Diner, a Sri Lankan restaurant complete with sister takeaway branch next door. 

We started off with some mutton rolls; good old Findus pancake-esque cylinders wrapped in fluorescent breadcrumbs and stuffed with spiced lamb, and served alongside a hot chilli dip and the obligatory sparse shreds of warm iceberg. The classic tubular snack, fresh from the fryer, to get things going.

We also had a dosa, one of the Ewing’s favourites. This time we tried the Jaffna dosa, two spongy, slightly sour, lentil pancakes served with coconut chutney and a thin vegetable sambar for dipping. Rather different from the more familiar masala dosa, a drier, more French crepe like version, but very good none the less. 

 
Drinks, which appeared about half way through our meal, were interesting. The Ewing had a fresh pineapple juice, while I had the Nelli crush, a lurid green, ultra sweet gooseberry flavoured cordial that was surprisingly refreshing when paired with all the heat and spice. This one came, unusually, with crunchy jelly like lumps, adding its own unique frogspawn-like texture. Mmm, crunchy frogspawn

My main was the devilled mutton curry with two buttery Veechu roti – the Sri Lankan version being far closer to Malay style flaky flatbread rather than the, relatively, parsimonious Indian kind. Served with a dish of simple creamy, nutty yellow daal and more fresh coconut chutney.

I love curries like this; the thin fiery gravy rich with the slightly acrid note of fried curry leaves and the dry chilli spicing fierce enough to thoroughly clear the sinuses. The bread was great, too, breaking apart in fluffy, ghee-soaked layers to be used to scoop up the sticky shreds of tender meat.

 
The Ewing went for the Pittu and fish curry, an interesting combo of pittu, a dish of steamed cylinders of ground rice layered with coconut, usually served for breakfast; a punchy Ceylon omelette (stuffed with fresh green chillies); coconut sambal; a vegetable paal curry and a king fish curry.

The Ewing was slightly apprehensive about the king fish curry. The last time she had ordered one, down at Dosa World in Bournemouth, it was so hot that she couldn't manage eat it, while the insane spiciness left me temporarily deaf and barely able to breath. The sweaty endorphin rush at the time was great, the day after not so much.

This was far tamer, but still with a decent kick, the meaty king fish standing up well to the rich, slightly smoky, sauce and the turrets of rice providing a nice bland counterpoint to the spice of the curry.

I was beaten when it came to desert, but the Ewing, unsurprisingly, wasn’t ready to admit defeat. Her choice was the falooda, a tooth-achingly sugary ice cream desert flavoured with heady rosewater syrup and studded throughout with chunks of fruit.

On arrival it smelt rather like a gathering of freshly powdered grandmas and looked like pink ectoplasm, so when she proclaimed it was nice I was happy just to take her word for it. Although, even she doubted the wisdom of attempting to finish the whole thing after the vast spread that had preceded it.

Twenty four quid later and we were happily heading back to the leafy ‘burbs to pick the package up, only to discover that it had been locked in a storage cupboard and the only key holder had gone home twenty minutes beforehand (long story). Proving it really was a falooda too far. 

Eastern Sunday

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I have no spur
To prick the sides of my intent, but only
Vaulting ambition, which o'erleaps itself
And falls on th' other.

Most people have rather lofty, or at least exciting, ambitions and ideas; if you’re Miss World then, naturally, it’s world peace; the Ewing wants a dog and a self-watering allotment (or perhaps a dog that will water the allotment) and Stealth quite fancies a pad in the Barbican.

Since accepting the simple things in life really are often the best – the first hard cox in autumn (steady), a letter through the post from my Nan, breakfast in bed with the Ewing – my recent, and rather more modest goal, was getting to Wapping Market on a Sunday morning before all the Crosstown doughnuts and Dark Fluid coffee ran out. (I do still harbour a secret dream to drive through all the mainland States in a faux wood panelled station wagon while living off cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Kraft macaroni cheese cooked on a camping stove.)

Since the market - sister of the burgeoning Saturday market at Brockley, which also proved quite an effort getting to - opened at the beginning of the summer, I have been taunted with an endless Instagram feed every Sunday of fried chicken, ice cream, local fruit and veg and, of course, the famed coffee and doughnuts.

Finally, after feeling thoroughly down in the dumps most the preceding week, I decided the only way to shake the gloom and spin out the last hazy day of August was by eating, drinking and generally making merry. So I roused the Ewing from her precious weekend slumber and dragged her all the way down to Brussels Dock for breakfast. Well, by the time we actually arrived, more lunch-ish.

First stop was a dash down to Crosstown for our fried dough fix. The Monmouth coffee custard stuffed square was a given, but the second choice was more difficult and saw a squabble ensue over whether to pick the ring doughnut stuffed with chocolate ganache or the salted banana caramel. the former won out, although I would have been more than happy with the cinnamon and sugar dusted number, while the chatty guy serving us had plenty of praise for the seasonal nectarine flavour. Decisions, decisions.

After nabbing a brace of 'nuts I patiently joined the queue for our iced coffee and americano from Dark Fluid, SE London based bean roasters with a mobile coffee cart, before finally find a spot down on the wharf wall to scoff our haul.

While I was impressed with the effort of stuffing the rich ganache into chocolate truffle ring doughnut, I found the crumb itself a little dry. Far more successful was the coffee number, which oozed it's caffeine-spiked loan obscenely with every bite and went down perfectly with my, very decent, cuppa Joe.

Of course it wasn't all stimulants and sugar, the Ewing also hit the Roadery's van to grab a pretty spectacular sandwich that saw slices 5hr slow cooked ox cheek being paired with peppery salad leaves before being stuffed between two slices of toasted milk'n'honey sourdough bread.

Highlight of our visit came, unexpectedly, in the form of a cone of apricot and Amaretto ice cream from the Ruby Violet van. Apricots don't normally do it for me (I'm pretty sure that's why the Ewing chose it as we were going to 'share'), but this was utterly exceptional. The flavour was sharp and bright, while the texture was butter soft and a little fuzzy - just like the skin of a perfect, juicy apricot - on the tongue.

There were also a few treats to take home; the first ears of the autumn corn, a big bag of greengages and a punnet of Victoria plums, as well as some proper English muffins and gingerbread. My favourite take home purchase was the Graceburn cheese, a soft cow's cheese in oil with herbs and garic that's made with unpasteurised organic milk by Blackwoods in Bromley. Very good with homegrown tomatoes and sourdough toast (or out the jar with a teaspoon).

After sunning ourselves with the friendly crowd that had assembled down by the water it was time for some proper refreshments. The market is, quite literally, a stone’s throw from the old stalwart and favoured drinking hole whenever I'm in these parts, the Prospect of Whitby. This time however we eschewed it for a visit to the Captain Kidd, back down on Wapping High Street, after we had to skipped past it on our last pub crawl.

The Captain Kidd is a Sam Smith’s, pub, a Yorkshire brewers known for its impossibly cheap and rather mysterious range of own brand beers, ciders spirits and mixers. You can imagine the disquiet this must cause the average drinker when they call in looking for their favoured American piss or pint of wife beater and instead are faced with ‘Alpine Lager’ or 'Yorkshire Stingo'. Something that’s apparent by the mild irritation of the staff and the slightly sticky laminated menus they have to provide that describe the different libations actually available.

Overall the Captain Kidd's a pleasant enough pub, the Ewing rates the Extra Stout and it also boasts the best garden and river views of the trio of hostelries that run from the Town of Ramsgate to the Prospect. There was also a particularly vocal, and very amusing, group of locals trading salacious stories at the bar on our visit. An increasingly rare find in the Big Smoke.

The beers themselves or the ones I’ve had the pleasure to try - mostly at the John Snow, a labyrinth-like Sam Smiths in the centre of Soho - range from the pretty decent to pretty unpalatable, but at £2.70 for a pint of the Best Bitter it’s hard to care too much. Yo ho ho and a bottle of (own brand) rum, indeed.

Brick Lane, Curry Again

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When it comes to Sunday dinner there are three choices I favour. The good old roast, when you’re feeling traditional; a barbecue when it’s too hot to contemplate lashings of gravy and Yorkshire pud; and a curry for all other occasions. It may not please the purists, but in a country where tikka masala is our national dish why not slather a bit of tandoori marinade on your chicken dinner before falling asleep in front of Songs of Praise.

Of course many may think that filling up on ghee-laden mountains of rice and bread and spicy platters of charred meat, all washed down with fizzy lager, would be a disaster come Monday morning, when you’re slumped back in the office battling with the gastric consequences of that extra bhaj, but alternate weekend working means Mondays are my Sundays. Ergo Sunday evening is my Saturday night.

Stealth probably doesn’t know what day of the week it actually is, but is always up for a good curry, so after a sunny afternoon stocking up on beigels and drinking glasses of fresh watermelon juice and avocado smoothies on Brick Lane we met her at Needo Grill, the final missing piece in my quest to try the Whitechapel trilogy that also features Tayyabs and the Lahore Kebab House.

Needo was set up by the former manager of Tayyabs, so you have the pick of their lauded dishes without the mile-long queues.  Inside the red and black decor is smarter than Lahore and brighter than Tayaabs, although constantly spying yourself in the mirrored walls isn’t conducive to ordering yet another round of naan bread. Drinks are BYO, so we stocked up with large bottle of cold Cobra from the nearby corner store en route.

To start we shared the mixed grill, a platter of sizzling lamb chops, seekh kebabs, chicken tikka and grilled onions. While I’m not sure these were the best incarnations of the classic that I have had - the lamb chops particularly lacking the requisite fat and char ratio - they possessed a pleasingly fierce chilli kick that went well with the sweet yoghurt and mint dip that had appeared with our plate of poppadums.

Since our previous trip to Tayyabs had been marred slightly by Stealth claiming she had been struck by a gastric ulcer, before lying sweating in the corridor by the loos (never a dull moment) I took this opportunity to reorder the stalwarts, plus the pumpkin, that we had been too stuffed to order before. There was also a buttery nan for me that was mostly eaten by Stealth (no, no, I don't want one, really) plus two roti that were mostly eaten by Stealth, too.

Firstly we have the worst picture (not a single effort to capture this was in focus) of the best dish, the fabled dry meat. Never has a moniker been less appealing and, thankfully, less deserved, the ‘dry’ describing the lack of gravy rather than the texture of the dish itself, reminding me of a rendang, with soft shreds of sticky mutton in a thickly reduced and well-spiced sauce.

Accompanying were two vegetable choices.  The first was the Dal Baingan, a mixture of nutty lentils and smoky baby aubergine – although I notice singular, rather than the two we were served at Tayyabs. The consistency of lentils was also slightly looser. 

We also tried the Punjabi Tinda, or baby pumpkin, curry, with a pleasingly grown up sweet and sour flavour and, again, lashings of ghee (in case you fear veggies are actually good for you).

Overall I’d pick the dry meat at Needoo and the grilled meat at Tayyabs, but I’d give either a firm recommendation (the Karahi Ghost at Lahore Kebab House also deserves a mention) without much hesitation. 

Going at an off peak time, we arrived at about half five on a Sunday evening, also means  less hurrying and harrying by the waiter, who graciously lent us their bottle openers and provided jugs of iced water long after we had finished our main meals.

As always after a curry, pudding was a stretch too far. We had, however, bought Stealth a present, in the form of a Cinnamon Tree Bakery biscuit from our visit to Wapping market, to nibble on later.
 
In fact both Stealth’s gingerbread elephant and the Ewing’s shortbread owl were most appropriate, forming the first instalment of a new series ‘owners who looked like their baked goods’ - even featuring the adoption of an cigarette trunk for extra added likeness.  

A cheering Sunday night scene of friend swapping biscuits (Stealth bought us some earless rabbits lovingly baked by our friends Claire and Kam) and certainly one that was worth missing the traditional joint of British beef and golden heap of roasties for.

Say Cheese! (and some crackers)

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“I am at the moment writing a lengthy indictment against our century. When my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.” 
― John Kennedy Toole, A Confederacy of Dunces

Fermented milk is a marvellous thing, and discovering that recent weekend trip to my Mum's in Wiltshire was going to coincide with a festival dedicated to its pursuit was pretty much my idea of heaven on earth. Slightly less celestial was the imbibing of one too many pints of 6D Best at the local pub, followed by a homemade lasagne washed down with several bottles of vino rosso the night before our visit...

The morning after started as a bit of a struggle, but a delivery of Stornoway black pudding for breakfast soon got things back on track. A while the idea of standing in a tent hot tent full of fermenting dairy products with a hangover may sound fairly hellish, it was mercifully far less whiffy than I first feared. In fact, once we were armed with our first toothpicks and set free on the tables laded with free samples of assorted cheesy wares I was quickly on my way to formaggi heaven.


As with these things, the first stall managed to divest us of most our money; firstly for half a wheel of White Nancy, a soft goat’s cheese with a bloomy white rind and gooey centre and secondly for a Alex James’ Goddess No 5 a Guernsey cow’s milk cheese washed in Temperley Somerset Cider Brandy until it reaches a supple sticky perfection. (Now safely stowed in Mum’s freezer, waiting for an unveiling come Christmas time.)  I was also rather enamoured with the Sloe Tavy, a semi hard, stinky heart-shaped goat’s milk cheese that’s washed in Plymouth sloe gin.


Next purchase was half a round of Little Ryding, a soft ewe’s milk cheese that was a bit of a bargain at a fiver for a whole cheese. They were also offering the rather lovely Millstone, a hard cheese, Manchego like in style with that lovely supple fattiness that sheep’s milk provides (possibly, depending which day you ask, my favourite milk for cheese).

The Windyridge stall was good fun, with their rather outre products and cheerful staff standing out amongst some of the rather more po-faced producers. While there's nothing sophisticated about their range of flavoured West Country cheddar all the samples I hose were great. Particular favourites were the horseradish and parsley, Spitfire with naga chilli and baked bean flavour (yes really). They were also good value at 3 packs for a fiver meaning we had no excused not to take a trio home.

Blue Vinny is one of the most interesting of English cheeses, as well as the most local to the festival, being made just outside Sturminster Newton itself. Historically the cheese is made with skimmed milk a by -product from the butter market. While the cream and butter were valuable in London, the skimmed milk was not, so was traditionally turned into blue cheese for farmers and the surrounding villagers to enjoy.

While the cheese was a common in Dorset for hundreds of years, production stopped around 1970 and the cheese became extinct. However, in 1980 Mike Davies of Woodbridge Farm, made the bold move to resurrect the 300 year old recipe and the unpasteurised cows’ milk cheese is now freely available once again.

Sadly, the product didn’t appeal as much as the tale behind it. White not a bad cheese by any stretch, the skimmed milk used in its production means the finished cheese is quite astringent and missing the smooth fattiness of my favourite kind of blues. Still worth a try if you ever spot it, if only for the chance to reclaim our history through food; especially good with a Dorset knob.

One stall that certainly disappoint was James’s Cheese, a company that concentrates on the affinage of products sourced from partner dairies and is run by James McCall, who started his great love of cheese under the tutorage of the great James Aldridge.

Most of the James’s cheeses are washed rind, matured at nearby Child Okeford, although there are a trio of soft cow’s milk cheese flavoured with chillies, pepper and herbs also available. My favourite of the selection, and perhaps the whole day, was the Francis, a washed rind cheese named after Atkinson's other given name.

Originally the cheese starts life as ‘Stoney Cross’, made by Salisbury-based Lyburn Cheese. James then takes it across the border to Dorset and turns it into the wonderfully meaty, sticky  beast that is Francis; a glorious cheese that could happily stand up to any French stinker but isn’t too overpowering.

The cloth-bound Sparkenhoe Vintage Red Leicester I tried was as good as ever, although one of our party wasn’t much of a fan, ruling it out for the cheeseboard. They were also offering the Bosworth Field, a pretty decent mould ripened unpasteurised cheese with a light and crumbly texture.

Alongside all the fromage, my exciting discovery of the day was the goat merguez from the Norsworthy Dairy Goat stall. As I was excitedly snapping some up the Ewing and my Mum had descended upon the selection of goat’s cheeses also offered, before settling on the Little Dollop, a gloriously runny specimen that flowed across the plate like cheesy lava when we cup it open the next day.



As the Ewing and my Mum were still hopelessly attempting to spear cheeses so ripe they’d be easier scooped up with a spoon, I had spied the one thing I was looking forward to above all else – the cheese toastie stall. And, fortuitously, just in time for lunch.

The grill, manned by the good people at Westcombe Dairies, was churning out delicious cheddar stuffed toasties on sourdough bread and studded with spring onions, cooked to a crisp perfection by the help of a couple of foil wrapped bricks. Moments later and the ambrosial mix of carbs and dairy was in hand (and down front).

The sandwich was so good, and the guys on the stall so friendly, that we also bought a chunk to take home. After all, it would have been remiss not to have at least one gum-tingling hard cheese in our selection and the Westcombe didn’t disappoint. A creamy and firm, rather than crumbly, cheddar with a rich nuttiness and a good lick of acidity to finish; super stuff.

While we couldn't face anymore coagulated curds and whey when we got home on Saturday, by Sunday evening we had got our cheese eating chops back and enjoyed this magnificent platter of choice morsels, alongside a nice Portugese red, a selection of polenta and spelt crackers and an episode of Morse. Perfect.

While most the haul was eaten, we did bring a hunk of the Francis washed rind from James's Cheese Company back home. Consulting my favourite tome, Nikki Segnit's Flavour Thesaurus, for potential flavour pairing combos (before I scoffed by the light of the fridge), I found a simple recipe for fennel-spiked crackers that would also make good use of the Maltstar flour, ground at Stoates mill in Dorset, that we had bought in Shaftesbury on the way back home.

Maltstar and Fennel Seed Crackers
(adapted from The Flavour Thesaurus)

150g flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
2 tsp fennel (or cumin or celery) seeds
25ml olive oil
125 ml water

put flour, baking powder and fennel seeds in a mixing bowl
add the oil and water in increments until the mixture formas a doufh
Knead for five minutes, wrap dough in clingfilm and allow to rest in the fridge for 30 mins
Unwrap dough and roll out to 5mm thick then press out your crackers with a cutter (you'll get approx 24 5cm diameter crackers).
Place crackers on a greased baking sheet, brush with water and bake at 160c for 25 minutes or until golden and baked through.
Allow to cool before storing in an airtight container.

Birthday Golf @ Swingers

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I'm feeling pretty excited right now, as in less than 12 hours I'll be saying sayonara to these shores for a trip to the land of the Rising Sun, and by the time you read this I'll hopefully be necking Suntory and slurping soba. But before I swap PG Tips for matcha and cod and chips for kaiten-zushi there's always time for some early birthday golf bragging after my triumph in East London last weekend.

The venue for these anniversary shenanigans was The Royal Shoreditch Golf Club, aka Swingers London (tip, don't Google at work), a warehouse that's been converted into a crazy golf-cum-bar-cum street food collective. Yes, on paper that does sound like a tiresome beard and plaid magnet (and that's just me and my entourage of ladies), where hipsters might congregate over Negronis on the 18th hole, but in reality it's just bloody good fun.

The good times started at the Freixenet bar with a round of sparkling rose and, after a wait for back-up ice supplies, some pretty lethal signature Soho Spritzes that we saw being ordered by the (obligatory) hen party (with obligatory gay guy) playing in front of us.

 
Dutch courage imbibed, we made our way to the first tee where I sensed the magical powers of the knitted tank top, classic wear for all stylish golfers about town, would give me that extra cutting edge against some fearsome (drunk and clueless) competition.

Course-side drink service was provided by the charming Jeremy Nine Iron, from whom we ordered pints of Meantime lager a couple of rounds of Dandies, based on the cocktails of the same name available at Hawksmoor; 'Cognac stirred with Maraschino & Benedictine, topped with Champagne. Adapted from a punch served at New York’s Waldorf-Astoria in the 1930s. We’ve taken a more refined approach, eschewing the original’s soda water in favour of more champagne.'

More champagne, can't say fairer than that, although I would like to say sorry to the member of the hen party I accidentally belted on the second tee after I'd drunk the first one of these. Thanks too, to the nice guy in front who provided helpful tactical tips a la Ken Brown on the BBC at Augusta. 

Of course, there can oly be one winner, and with a golf ball as loud as my trousers, it was fate the birthday girl would triumph. Of course, the rest of the party were equally fulsome with their praise as I was with my modesty...

With the absence of a buggy service or a caddy to carry our clubs, we were need of some serious sustenance after we made it back to the club house. The choices here are top notch, with the initial grub being provided by scene stalwarts Patty and Bun and Pizza Pilgrims, with more traders lined up later in the year.

I was allowed to order and, ignoring Stealth's protests that pizza without cheese is just tomatoes on toast, ordered a marinara and a pizza bianca with mushrooms and truffle oil. Both were excellent, possibly even better than the last time I ate at their bricks and mortar gaff, although the the tomato was a touch heavy handed.

We also shared Patty and Buns's crispy chicken thighs, served bathed in a punchy tamarind, fish sauce and chilli-spiked glaze and topped with crunchy peanuts and fresh coriander. Winner winner chicken dinner.

While they also offer a 'golf ball' sub, with pork and beef meat balls and tomato sauce, I couldn't miss up the opportunity to order an Ari Gold,one of London's truly great burgers. 'Beef patty, Cheese, Lettuce, Tomato, Pickled onions, Ketchup, Smokey P&B mayo, Brioche bun'. Job done. 


Of course, there's no party without a cake, so thanks to the fabulous, marvelous, wonderful (make the most of it, I only say it once a year) Stealth for my personalised box of Hummingbird cupcakes. They may have been little more than frosting and crumbs by the time we got them back to South London, but nothing could squash the start of a perfect birthday weekend.

The Living Daylights

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In a slight diversion from the usual food and drink based-shenanigans. I'm taking a time out to take Pies and Fries on location. Most avid readers of the blog (hi again, Mum and Mrs P) will no doubt be aware of my unabashed Bond love. It’s true I’m a massive 007 fan and my favourite film of the franchise – possibly... probably... if I really, really had to choose – is 1987's the Living Daylights.

Yes, that’s right not the classic Connery,  jocular Moore or ice cold Craig, but the wonderful, and very overlooked, Timothy Dalton making his debut in a first of a deuce of appearances as the world’s most famous spy. A fabulous film that, for various reasons, failed to jump start a flagging franchise and lead to the slightly less lovable Licence to Kill.

Now normally I’m not really a fan boy about such things, but rather excitingly – and, you can imagine, this really thrilled the Ewing -we recently had the chance to visit some of the locations in TLD; firstly in Vienna and then closer to home in London and the Chilterns.

 

Our first port of call was the Volksoper in Vienna which provided the façade of the 'Ľudové Konzervatorium' (people’s conservatory) in Bratislavia (still a Communist country, an not open to filming, when the TLD was shot), the backdrop to some of the most iconic scenes from the film.

While the building itself looks pretty much the same - save for the large red lettering on the left hand side of the building - the most striking thing is how much the scrawny little sapling that you see planted at the front of the building in the film has grown in the last 26 years!

I took my pictures of the Volksoper’s exterior from outside the sweet shop on the opposite side of the street. It’s the same shop that Bond and Saunders access in the film in order to try and get a clean shot at Kara Milovoy, Koskov’s supposed assassin, who appears in the top window above the balcony of the Volksoper during the interval. It was closing when we arrive, but pictures of Timothy Dalton can apparently still be seen stuck up inside.

 
While the interior shots of the Ľudové Konzervatorium were provided by the Sofiensäle (sadly burnt to a shell in 2001) in the film, we were lucky enough to have a night in the gods at the Volksoper. Our evening's entertainment was provided by Strauss' Die Fledermaus, a farcical operatta first premiered in Vienna 137 years before, and still able to raise a laugh, especially after a few cans of Ottakringer drunk en route.

Some of the best scenes from any Bond film are to be found in TLD, where Koskov is sprung from Blayden, the MI6 safe house deep in the English countryside. In real life the exterior shots of Blayden and its surrounds are provided by Stonor Park, just outside Henley, with the interior being filmed back in the studio.

Built in c.1180, Stonor House has been the home of the Stonor family for more than eight centuries and is still privately owned, and lived in, by the family. Both the house and gardens, with a small shop and tea room, can be visited between 1-5 on Sunday and Bank Holiday Mondays, so we jumped in the jalopy one sunny Sunday afternoon for a gander.

 
In Stor's scenes, Necros, undoubtedly one of the franchise’s most fearless henchmen, hijacks the local milkman’s float – one of the only things that really dates this classic film – before driving to the safe house and attacking the staff with various weapons including electric carving knives, handfuls of salt, a set of saucepans and the lead his Walkman headphones (another great 80’s touch).

This leads to the double agent Koskov being re-captured by the rebels, who arrive on the front lawn in an ambulance helicopter, assisted by Necros who is now disguised as a doctor. Only the grounds front of the house and chapel are visible in these scenes, which means that sadly you don’t get to see the beautiful English garden, with stunning views across the Chiltern Hills and to the deer park and woodland behind.

While they don't make the film, the Italianate style gardens are charming, shouldn’t be missed. As well as the neat as a pin lawn just to the back of the house there is a maze of meadow and orchard gardens that mix neatly topiaried rows of trees with wild grass. The long mixed border at the top of the terrace, complete with giant artichokes and glorious climbing roses, ends with a Japanese garden house, built after the 5th Lord Camoys visit to Kyoto at the turn of the last century.

Prior to the excitement of Koskov’s escape, we see Bond drive up to the gates of Blayden, before going inside to deliver a hamper of champagne and caviar from Harrods -

Koskov: “What’s this? From Harrods a godsend, the food here is horrible. What’s this, Caviar, well that’s peasant food for us, but with champagne it’s ok. And more – Bollinger RD – the best!” 

Bond also explains to M that he took the liberty of changing it as the champagne as the brand on the list was “questionable”.

As mentioned above, these interior shots were not set in Stonor, but we did get to see some of the interior for ourselves when we stopped by the tea room that is housed in the fabulous Old Great Hall. A fabulous room complete with its old deer skulls on the walls, trophies from the deer park behind the house, and new glass atrium. 

The cream tea comes highly recommended,; generous pots of tea and giant, freshly baked scones, although the portions of cream and jam were a little lacking. There’s also a range of homemade cakes and sandwiches available to eat in or out.

Slightly confusingly, after the scenes set in Bratislava that were filmed in Vienna, we then move on to the scenes set in Vienna that were also filmed in the city. 

After a great snowy chase that sees Bond and Kara crossing the Austrian/Slovakian border on a cello case they arrive, even more ingloriously, in Vienna on the back of a vegetable truck. On their disembarking you can see the Reisenrad in the background, as well as, very briefly, the Shell petrol station, which stills stands, unchanged, by the entrance. 

The Reisenrad, situated in the Prater Park, is one of Vienna’s most iconic landmarks, and Bond and Kara return to the Prater later that evening for a bit of schmoozing for Bond to rendezvous with Saunders. But not before they take a fiaker, traditional Viennese horse drawn carriage, to the Schonnbrunn Palace.

 
Bond is surprisingly gallant in these scenes, gazing lovingly at Kara in the carriage and then even insisting on separate rooms when they arrive at the hotel Palais Schwarzenberg. The film was made middle of the AIDS epidemic, and Bond’s usual philandering was kept in check, although he does smoke in the film, something which is now probably frowned upon more than promiscuity.

I wish I could describe our trip to the Schonbrunn quite as romantically as Bond’s, but it was hot, I was hungry and we had to climb the hill to the top of the Gloritte before we could eat our picnic. That said, once our pretzel rolls, schinken and Kase were dispatched, we could finally relax on the lawn and enjoy the glorious views over the city and things didn’t seem so bad after all.

The interior was similarly stunning and a mercifully brief audio guide means you can get a good over view of some of the 1,441 rooms without losing the will to live while looking at another four poster bed or antique dinner service. There’s also very good strudel available from the adjacent Café Residenz.

Balloon, Mein Herr?
On Bond and Kara returning to the Prater that evening, we see some of the most exciting and touching scenes in the film. After the obligatory ride on the waltzers and triumph on the shooting range the loved up pair take a spin on the big wheel. 

From his vantage point Bond spots a balloon seller, aka Necros, offering Saunders his wares.  His line, Balloon, Mein Herr?, is a direct reference to the Third Man, the most famous of all films shot in Vienna, and is well worth a watch if you haven’t seen it already.

After a bit of seduction high in the sky, Bond leaves Kara briefly to meet Saunders at the Prater café -I’m not sure if it’s still here or not, as we didn’t get a chance to explore much beyond the wheel, but from his expression James doesn’t rate the coffee too highly anyway.  Here we see Saunders hand over the info to Bond before being trapped between the remote controlled sliding doors as he exits (the rigged hydraulic piston can just be glimpsed in the far right of the shot).

Of course, if Necros was really clever, he would have dispatched Saunders before the rendezvous with Bond, but anyway I digress… What is really touching about this scene is seeing Dalton convey Bond’s softer side. Although Saunders is a stuffy bureaucrat at odds with Bonds lazzies fare attitude, during the film they develop an understanding and James is genuinely stricken by the fact he was unable to protect him.

Our ride was far less eventful, but still no less enjoyable, and the views from the wheel on a clear day are not to be missed. The rest of the park itself is a pleasantly old fashioned sort of place with the usual selection of fairground rides and games, although, as there’s no entrance fee to the park, it’s easy just to take the Metro to the Prater just for a spin on the wheel, as we did.

The park scenes mark the end of the European locations, until the final act when Bond returns to watch Kara in concert. In between, of the more far flung locale they visit, Tangier is high on the list for a potential next adventure, although remote Afghanistan, where bond joins the Mujahideen to try and bust Whittaker’s opium ring, is probably not going to be on the itinerary anytime soon. 

Their internment in Central Asia does, however, lead to one of the film’s funniest lines: Kara: "You were fantastic – we're free!" Bond: "Kara, we're inside a Russian air base in the middle of Afghanistan."

The film ends with the credits rolling over a night time view of the Schonbrunn Palace, accompanied by another criminally overlooked nugget, the Pretenders ‘If There Was a Man’; the first time a Bond film has featured a different track for both opening and closing credits.

A fitting end to a fabulous film; and, in case this post seems light on the consumables, Bond does make the time for a drink or two: 

Linda: [into phone] It's all so boring here, Margo - there's nothing but playboys and tennis pros. [sighs] If only I could find a real man. 
[James Bond, having just dispatched an assassin in a burning truck in mid-air, lands on the boat with a smouldering parachute] 
Bond: I need to use your phone [takes phone] She'll call you back [hangs up].
Linda: You are who? 
Bond: Bond, James Bond [into phone] Exercise Control, 007 here. I'll report in an hour. 
Linda: [offering drink] won’t you join me? 
Bond: [into phone] better make that two.

Using My Noodle, Japanese Style

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Any trip to Japan wouldn’t be complete without an obligatory boiled bone and carb-fest, and with over 4,000 ramen shops in Tokyo alone I knew we wouldn't be short of choice. Add in udon, soba and even instant (on average a Japanese person will eat 40 packs a year), and the Ewing and I were facing a fortnight of serious slurping. 

The best noodles of the trip, ergo possibly ever, were the first bowl we ate - discounting the, very good, green tea soba offered up by Lufthansa on the flight over - at Shinjuku noodle bar Fuunji. It was perfect noodle eating situation; we had woken up (very) hung-over from excessive sweet potato soychu drinking the night before and the howling wind and pounding rain from the tail of typhoon Phanfone looked set to continue for another day.

Luckily my obsessive researching on Google maps had paid off and after a quick mid-morning powernap we grabbed our brollies and braved the inclement conditions to find some of the best Tsukamen noodles in town.

Fuunji, like many of the restaurants in Tokyo, has a vending machine ordering system; great to avoid those awkward ordering conversations, less great when all the buttons are in Japanese. Again, thanks to Google, I knew which one to press (the top right for the tsukamen with all the toppings) although somehow breaking the machine when trying to order wasn’t part of the plan.

Thankfully the staff were far too polite to dwell on this, so while one chef took our order verbally while another stripped reams of stuck paper from the bowels of the machine accompanied by the soundtrack of a beeping warning alarm, all while smiling beatifically at us.

Any awkwardness was soon forgotten (or at least replaced with a new sort of awkward as we tried to convey the strands of starch to our mouths) when the food arrived. This truly was noodle nirvana, a sort of other-worldly pinnacle for which I feel fairly confident now other noodles can never reach.
Tsukamen means dipping noodle, and the noodles at Fuunji are served cold to accompany a bowl of the most unctuous nectar that has passed my lips. Made from long boiling of chicken and fish the resultant broth is rich and creamy and mined with pieces of wobbly pork belly and a perfectly boiled egg - the exterior darkened by its soy marinade and an interior of gooey burnished gold.

In order to make sure not a drop is wasted, jugs of dashi stock are available on the counter, along with iced water, to lengthen the precious liquid so it can be drunk as soup. And that’s it; no salads or sides or fancy cocktails, no desert trolley or cheese and port. Just the finest experience I have had since the joy of coming home from school as a child and finding my mum had bought me and my sister a much lusted after chicken and mushroom Pot Noodle each (of course, that’s before I tasted it...).

Ramen is not something to be lingered over and despite being the first in the counter quickly filled and emptied next to us as a stream of salary men (and women) sat, slurped and said sayonara as we struggled to scarf down our scran as quickly as the locals while attempting not to wear most of it in the process.

Finally, the Ewing speared her final piece of slippery nitro egg and we rose, dazed by the glories of so much chicken fat so early in the day, made our goodbyes and squeezed our way past to the umbrella stand to prepare for the onslaught outside. But on opening the noren curtain we discovered that, rather like ourselves, things had changed for the better and there were finally blue skies overhead. The magical powers a bowl of soup possesses.

If you’re stuck in a railway station back in dear old Blighty, the best you can hope for is a curling M&S sarnie and a scalding cup of scummy dishwater chain store coffee. Thankfully before rail travel in Japan there is a variety of far more tempting sustenance, and Kyoto and Tokyo stations even have their very own Ramen Koji, or ramen ‘streets’.

These ramen streets are great for tourists and locals alike, as they showcase seven (Kyoto) and eight (Tokyo) regional noodle styles all in on handy location. As with most things in Japan, the real trouble is finding them, with the Kyoto Ramen Street most easily accessed through the small lift on the left hand side of the 2nd floor of the Isetan department store that’s attached to the station. After squashing in with an assortment of other noodle lovers ride up to the 10 floor, where you’ll find a sign - unhelpfully all in Japanese, helpfully with pictures - detailing the different types of ramen on offer.

On our first visit we were tempted by the sign advertising Masutani ‘A Kyoto favourite since 1948’. As with most noodle shops, payment is by the vending machines outside the shop; we both chose the most expensive ramen, at a whole 1,000 Yen a bowl (£6) and threw caution to the wind with a frosty Ashahi each, 500 Yen, and a dish of pickled radish to nibble on to start at 100 Yen.

After collecting our tickets the waitress showed us to seats on the counter where we could, just about, see the chefs labouring under a fug of steamy pots of boiling pigskin and pasta. Moments later and our bowls were in front of us.

Much is made of the rapidity of which the Japanese eat their noodles. It is claimed that the optimum amount of time to eat a bowl of ramen, to stop the noodles growing fat and claggy in the soup, is seven minutes. Couple this with the fact that most ramen are served at boiling temperature and you can see why slurping is not just encouraged, but essential.

The true Japanese slurp is not executed through poor technique, bad etiquette or even to show appreciation to the chef; instead the clump of piping hot noodles are lifted from the broth by chopsticks and then drawn into the mouth on a noisy raft of cooling air. Done properly the slurp magically cools the cargo from incendiary to just Very Very Hot. It’s also great fun to join in with the chorus of greedy sucking noises that make every noodle joint sound like a chorus bullfrogs has descended each dinnertime.

These ramen, described on the website as, ‘a bit strong-tasting soy sauce and high-quality back fat blended into the simple soup based on carcass… with rather thin straight noodle,’ were no exception with the murky layer of porky oil serving to keep even more of the heat in. 

Despite not being much of a looker, the taste was rather good. The broth was unctuous and fatty without being cloying and the soy added seasoning and a little sweetness. Juicy slices of chashu and shredded nagi were present and correct and The Ewing also appreciated not one but two gooey-yolked eggs as I covertly shifted my nitamago to her bowl.

We like it so much we decided to go back for a quick dinner before catching the train back to Tokyo. This time we chose Kitataka Bannai, which are famed for their Kitakata-style noodles.
Kitatkata, as all good ramen fiend will know, is a town in northern Honshu known for its love of dough strands submerged in broth. 

With an estimated population of 49,857 there are over 120 ramen shops in the city, or one shop for every 416 people. Ramen has such prominence in the region that locally, the word soba usually refers to ramen, and not to actual soba which is referred to as nihon soba (‘Japanese soba’), (thanks Wikipedia), and the locals love it so much that many eat Asa-Rah (morning ramen) for breakfast.

Kitakata ramen features thick, flat and curly noodles served in pork and niboshi (sardine) based, shoyu (soy) flavoured soup. Bannai Shokudo ramen is described on the website as 'a fantastic marriage of Soy sauce and salt based soup, in which umami of just pork bone was plainly and simply extracted, and rather thick hand-rubbing firm noodle!' Who could fail to be excited.

The home-made roast pork, toro uma char siu, is prepared in the restaurant every day, and comprises the only topping on their number one chashu pork ramen. Normally thick, sweet fatty slices of pig would also top my number one ramen, but, after a day at Nishiki food market I scaled back a bit with the Kitakata ramen, which also features shredded Japanese leek alongside the slabs of meat.

As you can see from the picture, this was a far lighter soup than the one we had tackled the previous night. Usually I would favour the thick, funky pig-enriched broth, but this slightly sweet, salty soy-based number was delicate while still being imbibed with a deep fishy, porky flavour. Even better the small portion, pictured, came in at 6oo Yen (£3.60) which left plenty of money for train beers on the Shinkansen back to Tokyo.

We enjoyed ramen alley in kyoto so much that we decided to hit the original, in Toyo station, when we go back (actually this may be a small fib; I wanted to go there to buy oddly flavoured and impossible difficult to find Japanese Kit Kats, and the shop that sold them was directly opposite Raman Alley…).

The most famous, and popular, of the eight Tokyo offering is Rokurinsha, known for their tsukamen. After the offerings at Fuunji, I didn’t want to besmirch my magnificent memories of dipping noodles so we went in search of something a little different.

Which is how we ended up at Tonari, whose specialty is steaming bowls of tantanmen, or Chinese style ramen. Thoughtfully they provide paper aprons, which were also offered to the couple that were sat next to us, although I’m not sure if this was to protect their spotless white shirts before returning to work or make the Gajin next them feel slightly less socially awkward.

We both chose a set, my was the super-duper Toyo station special of tantanmen with a whole nitrotamago and a juicy slice of pork belly accompanied by a fearsome (not that fearsome, but hot for Japanese standards) dish of spicy chilli oil and a side of kara age which, rather remiss of me, was the first of the whole trip.

Here's the Tonari style tanmen, described on their sign as 'salty pork bone soup and voluminous wide noodles topped with eight types of sauteed vegetables - including Japanese mustard spinach, bean sprouts, Chinese cabbage and garlic chives - boiled fish cake, squid tentacles and pork.' 

This was about as healthy as ramen gets – if we ignore the (probably) astronomical sodium levels, pig-infused broth and great curl of cured meat on top – with the thicket of veg and chewy curly noodles going down very well, and very noisily, on what was turning into a rather dull and dreary autumn afternoon.

The karaage was everything I hoped, with its blistered and gossamer thin carapace giving way to hot, juicy, slightly greasy chook that went very well with an extra slick of the chili oil and a large bottle (three quid) of ice cold Asahi.

The Ewing picking the rather restrained regular bowl, which came with the same thatch of toppings, less the bacon and egg (of which I was happy to share the latter.) Her set was accompanied by some very good, perfectly squirty within, pork and veg gyoza.

A very nice pit stop, and certainly worth a punt if you are wanting to top up your 5 a day, or ever tire of the richer, saltier Tokyo Shoyu or creamy tonkotsu style broths (yes, I know, unlikely…).

Of all the (Eastern-style) noodles, udon may just be my favourite. Big, fat, wiggly strands of wheat, they are the noodles that put London’s Koya on the map, as well as being great when stir fried (especially with lots of pork and shredded ginger).

A tip provided by this great Serious Eats article (they also mention Fuunji) was Shinjuku’s Mentsu Dan, an informal canteen style noodle and tempura restaurant tucked away in the streets north of the JR station, which is where we found ourselves after a busy day shrine-hopping.

The noodles are handmade daily and the various preparations - hot hold, dipping, soup etc. – are posted on pictures (helpfully colour co-ordinated red and blue) on the window outside. Not much trusting our Japanese skills we took a couple of pictures to show the chef, but were thankfully saved when a rather lovely young lady stepped in to help us.

I chose the 'bukake' (or splashed) noodles. Yes, to those with a knowledge of 'adult' films this may sound slightly alarming, as a friend on twitter pointed out, but on trying a mouthful of these its hard to not be moan like a leading lady (don't worry, I restrained myself).

Apart from the superlative noodles I also loved the slender purple, pickled aubergines and the crunchy carrot and radish with sesame. The tempura were a little less successful, mainly owing to the fact that anything that's been immersed in the fryer needs to be eaten pronto lest it turns into a greasy sponge; a fate which sadly befell the green spiky thing (cabbage?) that looked so beguiling, but shattered into oily shards on eating.

That said, the potato croquette was good, as was the slice of kabutcha squash and the butterflied sardine the Ewing picked seemed to disappear pretty quickly. The Ewing's noodle choice, the classic cold udon served with a dipping sauce, was also spot on, if pretty tricky to eat, but that paled into insignificance when compared to the egg custard she had picked up from the cabinet for desert that was later attacked with nothing but chopsticks....

A special mention to our savaviour at the noodle ordering counter; not only did she explain our choices to us – both cold preparations, to highlight the bite noodles – she also went to get us drinks of iced water after we had sat down and even offered to take a picture for us before she and her friend left (despite arriving as we did, they had eaten their meal and had a chat and a post-noodle cigarette while, needless to say, our food was still barely touched, with more of it on the floor and the table than in us).

Our last night in Japan started like the beginning of our trip, with a deadly typhoon. Being Brits, and made of sterner stuff than letting a little category four cyclone dampen our spirits, we went for a rather wet and windy walk around Shinjuku before ending up - cold, tired and bedraggled - at the handmade soba restaurant in the mini shopping complex in the basement of our hotel. 

Our last Japanese meal mirrored our two first as the Ewing chose soba noodles and I had a bowl of comforting kare raisu, with carrots, pork and sweet potatoes, for a frankly unbeatable 280 Yen (£1.60). We also pushed the boat out with two giant tempura prawns, almost a bank-breaker at a whole 120 Yen (72p) each, and gloriously hot and crisp from the fryer.

The soba were equally good, made on the premises and accompanied by a distinctly autumnal melange of aubergine and squash in a thin dashi and mirin based broth. Soba are a noodle I sometimes struggle to like, seeming so, well, parsimonious next to their bigger, louder cousins, but these were restrained and nutty with a lovely, delicate bite.

As if there was any doubt that these were enjoyed I’ll leave you with this picture of the Ewing, eyes firmly down and, despite more than passable chopstick skills, more soba on the table than on the zaru tray. Proving that after two magical, intoxicating, challenging, exhilarating weeks, you can never tire of the novelty of noodles.

Japanese Junk

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One of the best things about travel is that the rule book goes out the window. 5am pint at the airport? Bloody marys on the plane?  Half a giant packet of strangely flavoured crisps, bowls of spicy fish curry and rice or whole basket of Danish pastries for breakfast? Why not?

The same goes for foreign fast food. Why does the same dreary McDonalds I walk past every day seem so much more alluring in foreign climes. Of course it’s context; the three in the morning, jet-lagged, Hong Kong McD’s cheeseburger that tasted like nectar, the McFlurry studded with Baci chocolates in Tuscany, the McGreek Pita burger (surprisingly edible) in Rhodes or the McLobster rolls that we all became addicted to one long summer in New England are always going trump the limp Big Mac, bought in post-boozing haste and regretted at leisure.

The first stop, prompted by blogger Skinny Bib’s visits to Japan that always seem to include one of these classic cheeseburgers, was Mos burger, where I was keen to try one of their famed rice 'buns' as well as the classic meat patty with the special meat sauce and oversized tomato slice.

The cheese burger was pretty decent; the (a little too thin) patty glazed with a gooey slice of white plastic cheese and the meat sauce and (thankfully not too dominant) tomato again bringing a little something different to proceedings. Add an extra patty and some spice (the hot version comes with chopped jalapeños) and you’ve got yourself a very passable fast food effort.

We also threw an ebiken burger into the mix, a glazed bun stuffed with a bread crumbed disc of prawns and finished off with tartare sauce and shredded white cabbage.  This was excellent, the croquette full of sweet pink crustacean pieces and the cabbage, whilst sounding odd to our Western palates, bringing a refreshing crunch to the party. They also offer the classic Japanese fried pork cutlet, again with cabbage, and also with cutlet sauce and hot mustard; tonkatsu in a bun.

The best, or certainly the most interesting, of the three was the rice burger which consisted of compressed discs of glutinous rice, millet and barley - brushed with a sweet soy glaze and grilled until slightly crisp outside - which masqueraded as the bun, stuffed with a seafood patty of squid and small shrimps with chunks of edamame, carrots and onion.

Really, this was nothing like a burger, tasting rather more like the container of slightly dried out Chinese fried rice you find at the back of the fridge; which of course is the very best thing you can find at the back of the fridge and the one reason I would like to see Mos on these shores in the future. Also, top marks to the guy who was working on the top floor of their Downtown Kyoto branch when we visited; a real gem.

The most expensive burger we ate on our trip was at Lotteria, another fast food chain that originated in Japan (its HQ is now in South Korea) known for their beef and teriyaki burgers and fried chicken; they were also the first to introduce the ebiken (shrimp) burger back in 1977.

We were there to sample the limited edition Wagyu burger, part of their promotion to offer a special item from every prefecture in Japan (I think, if my rather limited understanding of the box the burger came in was correct…). This one was from Tochigi, which is known for its strawberries, hence the addition of strawberry jam infused béchamel sauce to the burger…

As well as the strawberries, there was also a (molten) application of a sticky brown sauce (tonkatsu?) while the burger itself was also suspiciously nuclear temperature which, alongside the absence of a crusty exterior, pointed to the potential involvement of a microwave somewhere along the line - although it was hard to tell if the soft, rich fattiness of the meat was more a result of the cuts/breed used and wanting to preserve its tenderness by not overgrilling.

All of this probably sounds as if I didn’t enjoy it, and I did. The patty itself was huge and, as mentioned above, the meat almost pate like in texture and very juicy. Both sauces, and the glazed bun, leant sweetness which verged on being cloying, but the meatiness of the beef and the saltiness of the tonkotsu just pulled it back from the brink.

Whilst still in Shinjuku we called in to a well-known burger establishment for a McWee (spotless facilities), but ended up also ordering their two Halloween specials to share. The first was the witch inspired number, with it’s the black bun infused with bamboo charcoal. Inside was a double beef patty, yellow mustard, spicy black (squid ink-infused) sauce and fried onions.

Disappointingly, the bun was more of a washed out blue, the colour of your favourite band t-shirts turns when you’re a teenager, although the oozing sauce was far more ominous in colour. Overall it was ok, if not memorable, although I was a big fan of the crunch the deep fried onion shards provided.

The, distinctly unscary, ghost influenced burger showcased a crispy coated chicken fillet with a camembert cheese and shredded iceberg topping. I’m starting my own one woman crusade to see more camembert in burgers, as this was actually rather nice and could have even been blinding with a crustier bun, less homogenous chicken and even more cheese; one to practice at home.

After eating the McD's black burger I had to try the BK version for comparison; a quest that saw us scouring the streets of Shinjuku, as well as the labyrinthine passages of Shinjuku stations subterranean shopping streets (as well as being the world’s busiest station it has 60 exits), for a BK that I ‘knew was here somewhere’.  A quest that ultimately ended in frustrated failure and retreating to the hotel for a vending machine beer and a soothing session in the in-room massage chair.

Thankfully the processed meat Gods were with us the following day as we, unwittingly, stumbled straight into a BK in Asuskusa after visiting the Senso-ji temple. It proved worth the wait for the Kuro Pearl burger if only for its startling, if not particularly appetising, novelty. The bun was a far darker hue than McDonalds and the addition of liberal amounts of black pepper gave it some pep; even the cheese was an ebony shade, coloured with more squid ink.

Refreshment came from one of the most popular Japanese sodas we encountered, melon flavour, whose neon hues were toned down somewhat by a swirl of vanilla soft serve. Ridiculously lurid an ridiculaously sweet, but knocked the beginnings of an early afternoon hangover on the head, so full marks for that.

What is life, to paraphrase W.H Davies, without time to standing around eating crisps, possibly my very favourite of 'junk' foodstuffs (all foodstuffs). Of all foreign comestibles crisps are possibly the most appealing to me as I have rarely met a bag I haven’t got along with.

To add to my excitement, Calbee, Japanese crisp manufacture, also have several shops in Tokyo dedicated to freshly frying the potato snack. Here you can pick crinkle cut, normal or potato tubes, all freshly made from real potatoes here on the premises (you can watch them all hard at work behind a glass screen) and topped with various different toppings including chicken, cheese and caramel.

I chose the crinkle cut with spicy cheese sauce, and soon a cup of sliced spuds, straight from the fryer were in my hands. What I found curious about these is they were still warm, which is standard for a chip but unusual for a crisp (unless you’ve carelessly left a packet of Walkers from the petrol station on your dashboard in summer. Not that I'd know...).

Calbee also make the Jagabee range of potato sticks, the new love of my life (although I'm not sure if their tea making skills are quite up to the Ewing's). It is impossible to adequately explain my love for these, pitched somewhere between a French Fry (the British crisp variety) and a hollow Chipstick. They also come in some of the best flavour combinations, including vegetable soup, baked potato and my favourite, soy sauce and butter.

Other findsincluded sweet potato Hula Hoops, currently my favourite type of Hula Hoop, and the famous Bōkun Habanero, the most popular spicy potato snack in Japan, and likely the most recognisable to foreign crisp fiends on these shores. Bōkun Habanero means ‘tyrant habanero,’ a pun on both the  chili pepper and the Roman emperor; the character that advertises the crisps, a grinning devil like character, has also become a bit of a cult figure and focus of a popular Japanese internet meme.

For Japanese standards these are spicy - although they are also available in a bebinero version, which features a younger version of the regular character - but I also found something far more exciting in the form of a version that is ten times hotter than the original. If you don’t feel like destroying all your taste buds then the extra-spicy powder comes in a separate packet, enabling customers to add as little or as much as they like, and the potato hoops even have serrated edges to trap as much as the powdered napalm as possible. Hawt stuff and certainly worth the effort of carefully transporting a couple of bags home. Just a shame (not really a shame) that I'll have to make a return visit for that rice burger.

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